Chapter Text
‘Zeedan's a beautiful person. But he doesn’t make you happy.’ Kate reaches out, framing Rana’s face between her hands. ‘But I can... If you’ll let me.’
The silence hangs in the air after Kate’s statement, as she waits for Rana to answer. Her gaze is intense, and understanding. Too understanding.
Kate. Always so sweet; always so willing to give herself to people she loves. Rana almost prefers when she’s angry, or calling Rana out for being cruel, because at least that’s familiar; she deserves that much, for everything she's put Kate and Zee through.
This, though? Kate looking at her with such love in her eyes, trying so hard to empathise with Rana’s situation? This is utterly terrifying. It scares Rana how quickly Kate has let her in, even though it’s barely been a few days since their talk in the van. When Kate was the one keeping her walls up, things were difficult. But somehow it’s worse now, knowing she has the other girl's heart on a platter in front of her. Knowing all she has to do is choose. All she has to do is say yes, and she could be living a whole other life.
No one told her actually having what she wants within arm’s reach would hurt more than feeling like it was always too far away. One simple word feels like an impossibility.
Now all she wants to do is run fast in the other direction. All she wants to do is just slow down, pause, and be able to think for a bit. Everyone seems to be demanding something from her, pulling her in opposite directions – tell him, tell her, hide yourself. All Rana wants to do is scream and rip her hair out until people leave her alone.
She’s been lost in thought too long; she’s left too long a silence. At Rana’s lack of response, Kate gives her a bracing smile and lets her hands fall; she steps back, putting distance between the two of them. But not far enough, still hanging close, a supportive presence. Before, she would have left in a huff. She’s trying so hard: putting up a brave front even though it’s blatantly obvious she hates every moment of this.
But it’s not like Rana is enjoying it, either. She hates swinging between hot and cold with the people she loves most. She hates how defeated Kate looks, knowing she put that expression there. And even the small moments where she gives Kate hope and sees that amazing smile on her face doesn't make up for the moments where she looks completely betrayed by Rana's inability to decide. Worse is when she imagines the same expression on Zeedan, if and when she has to break his heart. No matter what, she can’t see any of this ending without heartbreak for anyone.
Even worse is that she simply doesn’t know what to do. None of the available options seem to work. When she’s with Kate, she wants Kate. Everything seems so possible. When she’s with Zeedan... She still wants Kate, but the fear seems to come back tenfold. All she can see when she looks at Zee and thinks about leaving him is the certain disappointment in his eyes, and her family’s; all the failed dreams and the life she’d have to leave behind.
All she can see when she looks at Kate is her stupid, hopeful fucking face, and the way it makes her hope, too.
She blinks away tears, trying to get herself under control. She does have patients after Kate leaves, after all, and they'll be unsettled if they see she's been crying. ‘Kate, look, I...’ She clears her throat. ‘I want to talk to him, I do.’ Kate raises her eyebrows, sceptical. ‘Honest. I just – I need time. To think. And decide.’
‘Well, how much time?’ she demands.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Rana...’ She puts her fingers to her temples, massaging in frustration. 'You're giving me a proper headache, I swear.’
‘I know,’ she says quickly. ‘And I am sorry. But with that whole cafe thing too, it’s... I’m not sure how to tell him. I have no idea how.’
‘You’re actually going ahead with that?’ says Kate incredulously. Rana’s hesitance to reply says it all. Kate’s mouth snaps shut and her brows knit together. She’s hurt, Rana can tell. ‘Right. Even though just yesterday you were saying it’s too big a commitment?’
‘Please don’t be mad,’ Rana begs her quietly. ‘I can’t stand it when you’re mad at me.’
‘I’m not mad,’ says Kate. And she isn't. Never mind that part of Rana wants Kate to be mad at her, or to push her away again, because that's way more familiar. 'I’m just...’ Kate cards her hands through her hair. ‘I’m confused, y'know? I can never tell what the hell is going on in your head. I want to believe you’re not just stringing me along, but... Sometimes you make it so hard to believe otherwise...’
Her voice is starting to become thick. And this alarms Rana, because Kate is not a crier. She’s a storming-off, screaming in the privacy of her own home type person; she hates anyone to see her so vulnerable. But she’s starting to fall apart, and that too is terrifying – that she’d actually let Rana see how badly she’s hurting, beyond rightful anger or confusion.
Rana bites down on the knuckle of her hand, trying to keep herself together. ‘I don’t mean to. I’m just... I don’t know how to make everyone else happy here. It seems like no matter what I do, I'll just set off this... shitstorm. I feel trapped.’
‘What about what you want?’ Kate asks, frowning. ‘What would make you happy?’
Rana has no answer for that. At least, no audible one, because the answer is staring at her right in the face and smiling at her in a heartbreakingly bittersweet way. It'd be so easy to just say Kate's name.
But she can't say a word.
Faced with a brick wall of silence again, Kate lets out a long, shaky breath. She finally breaks eye contact with Rana, and turns towards the door.
‘Forget it. I'll let you get on and see your actual patients. I know how anxious you get when you can't look after other people. But, y'know...’ She stops, her hand pausing on its way to turn the door handle. ‘Make sure you take some time for you too, Rana. Because you matter, too. You matter a lot.’
That makes Rana stir, and turn. ‘Kate, I -’
But she's gone, leaving Rana standing alone, and the whispered echo of words behind her.
You matter.
Those words linger in her mind well after the door gently closes behind Kate. Well after Rana is attending other patients and taking their blood pressure with a fake smile on her face. Writing up notes repeatedly because she's made so many mistakes. Her mind is elsewhere.
You matter.
It lingers in her mind all the way to the Rovers after work, pretending to Zee that she's excited for the cafe and watching him scribble sums onto a pad of paper. Pretending she gives a shit about Alya's problems with locating materials, or Luke's glares and moods.
You matter.
It lingers when she's lying to Luke out of panic, telling him she's pregnant as a way to get him off her back, to protect herself. To gain just a little bit more time to think. The lies roll off easily from her tongue, but for once she knows they're lies. Because a thought is starting to worm its way into her head:
You matter.
It lingers, and grows louder, almost cacophonous when she meets Kate again. When she kisses Rana and tells her that she'll support her all the way. When she understands, again, instead of yelling at her like she might have done before.
You matter.
And when Kate looks at her like that, and kisses her like that... she can almost believe it.