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The dreams of what could have gone wrong are even more haunting than the constant dreams of the past.
What’s done is done, and while Shuichi will carry the weight of this for the rest of his life, it does get a bit easier with time. With help, he knows he can heal from these wounds. A year or so ago, he would have vehemently denied this claim, kept himself from healing because it felt like running away. Now that he’s entering healthier waters, he can finally see how backwards that thought really is.
The ghosts have yet to stop haunting him. His father, Scotch, Akemi. As terrible as it sounds, he prefers that. His failures, he can begin to make peace with. It still hurts, but one can’t dwell on the past forever. Carry them in your heart, and move forward. He knows that now.
It’s a lot harder to watch those he still has die. These are common nightmares, they always have been. In the past, they were a lot more varied. His family, his fellow FBI agents, Conan-- Shinichi and Shiho and everyone else he affiliated with. These days, almost every one of them centered around Furuya.
Being a second too late, entering that god damn warehouse only to witness Gin putting a bullet between Furuya’s eyes.
At least that one’s quick. Recently, he’s been having a dream where he’s holding a mortally wounded Furuya, telling him he loves him as he watches that ever-present light in his eyes get duller and duller.
It helps that they live together. When he wakes up, Furuya is right there next to him. Warm to the touch, alive, and safe. As he watches the rise and fall of Furuya’s chest, taking in the fact that he’s here next to him is usually enough to lull him back to sleep.
This night is no different. He starts awake from a dream, and slowly turns so he can check on Furuya--
And green eyes meet an equally bewildered set of blue ones.
“Hi.” Furuya blurts out immediately, clearly caught off guard. It’s a rare look on him, eyes wide as saucers.
“...Hey.” Shuichi’s response is considerably delayed, voice still affected by sleep. “What are you doing up?”
“I woke up at about the same time you did.” Well, that’s a lie. Furuya’s lucid enough Shuichi can tell he must have been awake for some time now. His guard came back remarkably fast, though. To someone who didn’t know Furuya like he did, it might have been convincing.
Shuichi just hums in response, deciding not to call him on it. He wouldn’t want to say why he was awake either. All things considered, he wouldn’t be surprised if Furuya was in the same boat as him.
“Dreamt about you.” Shuichi says simply, a hand slowly rising to brush against Furuya’s cheek. Furuya lets him, leaning into the touch, even.
It’s warm.
They’re safe.
“Me too.” Furuya responds quietly, his own hand coming to rest over Shuichi’s. “I dream about you almost every night.”
Shuichi studies him, noting Furuya’s eyes are downcast, not meeting his gaze. The unspoken words between the both of them are undeniably clear.
I don’t want to lose you. Ever.
“You can wake me up, you know.” It’s said in a gentle tone Shuichi reserves for Furuya alone, and while Furuya scoffs in response, he betrays his true feelings by snuggling in closer after hearing it.
“I’m not going to bother you while you’re sleeping.” He mumbles as Shuichi’s arms wrap around him. Warmth. Security. “It’s fine just like this.” The desperate way Furuya’s clinging onto the other tells a different story, though. Shuichi doesn’t want call him on it, certain it would make him retract quicker than he could blink.
“Furuya.” He can’t just leave it at nothing, though. Saying his name has a weight of it’s own. I’m here, it says. I’m not going anywhere. Furuya’s grip only tightens, and Shuichi presses a gentle kiss on the top of his head. “I love you.” He breathes out, lips brushing over Furuya’s skin as he speaks. Finally, he feels the tension leave the other’s shoulders.
“You’re so sappy.” Furuya’s tone is exasperated, but the way he’s all but melted in Shuichi’s arms tells him all he needs to know. A moment of silence passes, and Shuichi feels like he’s about to doze off again, when a small and vulnerable voice returns an “I love you too.” It’s something even he’s not used to hearing from Furuya. Before he has any chance to respond, Furuya’s clearing his throat, clearly not about to let this continue. “Now go back to sleep.” He says finitely, words sounding all-too-controlled. It’s common practice after he has one of his more emotional outbursts. “We both have things we need to do tomorrow.”
Shuichi doesn’t respond, knowing he doesn’t have to. That was the effective end, and he’s too tired to put up any argument anyway. He cards a hand through Furuya’s hair, soft strands running through his fingers. Furuya lets him, and within a few moments, Shuichi can tell by his breathing he’s already fallen asleep.
As much as he’d like to enjoy the moment, allow himself to reflect upon the fact that Furuya can fall asleep in his arms, how far of a cry this is from how they had to live their lives a few years prior… He doesn’t last much longer himself, falling asleep in a tangle of limbs with his boyfriend.