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I feel pretty goddamn good. Worried myself damn near ta death tha other day 'bout bein' on top a Rick and soon 's I walk inta the room and see him, I was calm as can be. Cause it's Rick and he needed me.
And it was amazing like everything with Rick is. We've had each other every way there could be. And now's like we jus' can't separate. Like teenagers or some shit. Anytime we walk somewhere we's walking close so parts is touching. Hands held or one of us has a hand loose on the other's hip or on a shoulder.
We talk soft to each other all the time even if it ain't a secret just so we can lean in an' talk close.
No one ever says sentences anymore with just my name or just Rick's. Now people say stuff like "where's Rick and Daryl?" Or "what do Rick and Daryl think?" Like we's one.
My favorite part of tha day is early evenin' 'fore dinner when I's back from huntin' or runs and walk down to Carl and Rick in tha garden to tell 'em a' the time and ta get ready for dinner.
Carl will go ta wash up cause I tell him to. Then Rick and I have a few minutes alone after time w'thout each other all day. He shows me what's growin' and we walk 'round and look over tha plants together. Kiss a bit and say things. Whatever we's feelin' at tha moment.
Other day we's huggin' tight b'teen tha corn and I have my hand on his hips and feel a lump in his pocket. Stuck my hand in and grabbed it cause when you're having a thing, you can go ahead and dig in each other's pockets.
It was that damn blue rock I found weeks ago and gave 'im!
He took it back and shoved it back in 'is pocket.
"Wha's that?" I laughed.
"'S my rock." He said with a cute lil' pout like he knows I'm gonna pick on him.
"Surprised it ain't been lost in an' out a' the wash. Carol'd usually find stuff left in pockets."
"Didn't leave it. Put it in whatever pair I'm wearin that day." He says already defensive 'bout it.
"Why?" I smile and ask softly.
"'S my rock. You gave it to me." He says.
"Glad I didn't find a blue boulder." I say and he punches playfully at my arm. Didn't realize how much he thoughta that rock. I thought he threw it away.
I did end up winnin' that fight 'bout Carl learin' to hunt and practice shootin' cause we gotta remember no matter how nice things seem now, we's still in the middle of a 'pocolypse.
Now that me an' Carl's spendin' more time together 's like he respects and listens to me like what I say goes. 'F I tell him that's enough practice for a day an' he whines 'bout it, I jus' tell him I'm serious and he marches back ta camp just cause I say so.
And I try to remember why things wasn't that easy for me when I's his age. I know I listened when my pa got serious but still would get the belt or worse anyways. Can't understand why. I can't see how hittin' Carl would 'ccomplish anythin'. Think maybe my pa just liked hittin' and I's just unlucky ta be born his 'stead a born someone better's like Carl was.
I take my shirt off for Rick now. But I didn't do it right away after crying at that pond. Took a lil' longer than that and took a lot a' Rick babyin' me. Classic Dixon, right? Rippin' heads off of walkers one second all bad-ass then cryin' inta Rick's arms that night cause a somethin' happened a million years ago.
But Rick said facin' stuff and cryin' is tha only way ta be free and bein' free sounded nice. So once in a while I'd take my shirt off and sleep naked b'side him at night but on those nights we didn't have sex. I couldn't. Was embarrassed bad 'bout it at first cause I just couldn't ... get in tha mood. So those nights we'd go back ta just kissin and fingers in hair and soft touches and words.
Still can't believe I could be layin' next to a naked Rick Grimes with his hands on me and not get hard, but the feel of air on my back where my scars is makes my mind go other places. So I let Rick comfort me and touch my back and kiss on my forehead as I's snifflin'. He likes comfortin' me. Not sure why.
One night he wanted ta talk 'bout it. I's Layin' on my stomach bein' brave with my shirt off and my back totally exposed ta Rick. He lay next ta me not even pretendin' not ta look. Started rubbin his thumb over specific ones, like from when I left the fridge door open once. And another from when Pa's drunk and I's in tha wrong place at tha wrong time. And one from stealin' a cigarette. That one's burns stead a' belts. And there's lots a others.
Ugliest is on tha top right near my shoulder from a pot a' scaldin' hot water got thrown at me. Don't 'member why. Was one of tha worst hurtin' so's all I remember was how bad it hurt for days and I stuck to my shirt and skin pealed off when I changed clothes. Teachers at school found it an' all talked 'bout me like I wasn't there. The school nurse took me to a real hospital and got me fixed as best they could. Then there was lots a people talkin' an' payin' attention for a while and I didn't get hit or nothin for weeks. But then everythin' went back ta how it was.
Rick's touchin' soft on my scars like they's still causin' pain which they ain't. "Did it hurt bad?" He asked softly.
"Yah," I said, cause it had and I don't need ta pretend with Rick. Knows me well 'nough ta know I ain't really all bad-ass like I come across at tha beginnin'.
"What would you do after?"
"Hide. Cry."
Rick's hands rub on my back. He stops at tha bad burn up by my shoulder. "This one looks like it hurt real bad."
I nodded, watchin' him not meet my eyes.
"You know nothing like this will ever happen to you again. You know I love every square inch of you. Why do you let these make you feel so small and self-conscious?"
Rick wants to understand me so bad. Wants to know everything I think. Asks me stuff all the time just to know the answers about me. Like do I like cats? Have I ever had key lime pie? Do I believe in God? (Yes, no and yes). So this is just Rick wanting to know what I think. It drives him nuts not to know things I keep in my head cause he wants all of me so bad. So I decide I'll answer him 'stead a' ignorin'.
"Makes me LOOK small," I tell him. "Don't want you picturing me cowerin' in a corner, lettin' myself get beat. Not fightin' back. Make ya worry if I'd be able to really protect ya and the kids if I can't even protect myself."
Rick 's stunned. Cocks his head like he wishes he could understand better.
"Daryl. I'm not picturing you like that. Wasn't you not fighting back. Was a damn kid. You are not that kid. You're Daryl Fucking Dixon. You've ripped walker's heads off their bodies with your bare hands. I trust your abilities and instincts to protect my kids more than I trust my own. Do you think 'bout those times and see yourself now? Cause that ain't what happened. You were just a damn kid."
I shrug and go for a nail. I'm done talkin'. I'll keep thinkin' bout it though. Some interesting thoughts. I curl up to him ta signal that I'm done talking but he can pet on me if he wants. And he does.
"Wish we knew each other then." He says, brushin' my hair back.
"I don't," I say. And he looks sad 'bout that so I gotta explain.
"You'd a come trying ta rescue me and shit. Little Rick wantin' to be a policeman when he grows up." I smile at the thought of a little Rick. "But you couldn't 'a done nothin' but maybe catch some hits yourself. Pa woulda just been swingin' at whatever's in front a' him. Don't want nothin' like that ta ever happen ta you. Or Carl or Judith."
Rick took a big heavy sigh and wiped his eyes clear. Pulled me in his arms. Kept kissing on top of my head. "Sorry I talked about it." He says.
"S'ok."
I think it bothers Rick a lot that he couldn't save me from it, but don't really make sense for him ta think like that cause he wasn't around. And I know he'd never mistreat me or let anyone hurt me now. He can't go back in time.
I try not ta go back in time anymore. Try not ta think a bad stuff from when I's little or even 'bout recent bad stuff like Sophia or Merle. I like to be in the present with Rick by my side.
I still get afraid a losin' all the good stuff I have. But Carol says 's ok ta be scared sometime. I have so much good now and I don't mind havin' ta be scared a losin' it cause I have it right now. And now is good.