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I'm bein' Daryl Dixon 'gain. Tha worryin' one. Tha one always 'ssumes tha worst. Hate that Daryl. I like tha one that's confident in himself and confident in Rick. But things been a little different tha last couple days.
Normally since our thing, we's either doin' our chores or we's with each other. Ain't no reason ta be anywheres else. Shower together even. Course we have a little private time 'way from each other for bathroom stuff. We ain't that damn crazy. But after runs that are usually together or me huntin' or Rick gardenin' we's together.
Not the past couple days. I'd got him for dinner in the garden like our usual. Sent Carl up 'head to wash up and get ready ta eat. Rick and I did our normal kissin' and lovin' on each other between tha peas and tha corn. But this time was more passionate kissin' than our usual garden kisses is regular. Usually they's just 'missed you kissin''. This was more like 'just found out I only got 24 hours to live and want to spend them kissin' you kissin''.
Ain't complainin'. I love kissin' Rick. Missed you kisses. Need you kisses. G'mornin' kisses. G'night kisses. Close call with a walker kisses. Want you now kisses. Quick public kisses. Long layin' lazy in bed kisses. I love them all.
But this kiss almost felt like a goodbye kiss. Profound somehow. Like somethin' was different on Rick's lips than I've ever felt b'fore. Bein' honest, It wasn't like it was necessarily bad, but it was different and I didn't understand it, so classic Dixon- I'm gonna worry a' thumbnail into oblivion over it tha next couple days.
After that different kiss 'tween tha peas and tha corn, Rick tells me to go on up for dinner and that he'll be along in a bit. Still had some things to do in tha garden. Had to walk up to the prison all alone. I felt sad and empty and angry at myself for already turnin' a little walk into the end of tha world. Thinkin' he's done with me and that's his last kiss. Or thinkin' somehow Hershal told him he's got some kinda disease and really does only got 24 hours to live.
I ate with Carl. Rick didn't come up til we was done. Carl- he's perceptive and knows I got somethin' tha matter. Keeps tryin' to ask me what's wrong. Told him a headache.
Carl left to go read comic books and I got a hold of Judith ta cuddle on her while Rick ate. Cause what if when Rick's done with me he don't want me holdin' Judith no more? Suddenly I want to cry. I hate this Daryl.
Rick ate like usual. Pickin' at his food slow 'stead a shovelin' it in like I do. He smiled a lot at me holdin' Judith and since he's chewin' I's handlin' tha conversation.
"Gettin' a tooth," I tell him and slip a pinky into Judy's mouth feelin' for it 'gain. "Up top."
Rick smiles and nods. His eyes have emotions and feelins dancin in 'em that I don't know. Usually can read 'im. But somethin's in there I ain't seen b'fore. Scares me. Makes me sad I'm gonna lose tha best things I ever had.
That night I wonder if he's gonna even stay tha night with me cause a little a' what's floatin' in his sea blue eyes is wantin' to be somewhere else. That's a look I know cause lots a people used ta want to be somewhere else when they was stuck talkin' to a dirty Dixon.
But he stays and kisses me 'gain like he's dyin'. God I hope he's not dyin'. I kiss him back and hold onto him like it might be my last chance ever.
And no matter what's goin' on in his mind that I suddenly can't read, I do know that he wants me, at this minute at least. Really wants me. Like the 'need it to live' kind. And I want him cause I always want him.
He pulls off his shirt and starts zippin' out of his pants. I'm outa my pants before him even though he started undressin' first.
I'd been thinkin' lot 'bout what Rick's been sayin. Bout my back and different Daryl's. I'd spent some time tryin' to picture myself as a kid. Had ta think back hard from lookin' in mirrors cause we never had pictures that help ya to remember. And I can picture me in a mirror. Tryin' ta turn 'round and look back at that bad burn when the skin was gettin' stuck and peelin' off my clothes. And I was little. All skin and bones cause never 'nough ta eat. Skinny gangly arms. Tiny frame. No shoulders yet and no muscle. Short. Always was the shortest in class. Wasn't feelin' small. I was small. And that little kid never coulda stood up ta Pa. Nothin' he coulda done. Ain't his fault. Wasn't a pussy. Was just a kid.
I'm hard and I want Rick more than ever. I lean over him kissin' him aggressive. Already hearin' little sounds of need slip off my tongue as his hands grip into my hair.
"Want you so bad, Rick." I tell him cause it's all I feel at tha moment and it's runnin' through every vein and bone in my body.
I pull off of him and look down and he is so beautiful below me with his blown eyes and full kissed-on lips. I want to give him everything. I pull my shirt off and drop it to the floor and I'm still rock hard and deep in desire like quicksand sinking more into needing him every second. His eyes are filling themselves with me. And we just breathe and look at each other and for a little bit. I know I'm gonna forget about worryin' over tha something in his mind that he's hidin'. At least for a little bit.
Rick sits up up and grabs me passionate with his hands on both sides of my face kissin hard and movin' me down to the bed, climbing on top a' me, pressin' his bare chest 'gainst my bare chest. Hands slidin' down over my bare sides. Rick's groanin' and pantin' like crazy already, lips lockin' mine and takin' control a' them. His tongue is in my mouth desperate for me, lapping at my tongue and teeth and lips like a thirsty puppy tryin' ta get the last drops out of a empty water bowl.
I'm still hard and all I can think of is Rick and the emptiness in me that I need him to fill. I reach down feelin' 'round for the lube.
"God, Rick." I moan as he latches on to my neck suckin' and kissin'. I finally get my hand on the bottle and he takes the lube from me. I lay back watching him take control. He squeezes lube onto his fingers and presses a finger inside. His other hand is spread flat and moving across my chest like he's readin' Braille. I think he's memorizin' me.
"I fucking love you so much, Daryl." He whispers lookin in my eyes and I can read him and that really is all he's thinkin' 'bout right now is me.
I breathe through his second finger and start to move with him. 'S more intense with the feel of his hand on my chest and stomach.
Then he slips his fingers out and slides himself into me. I'm so relaxed and it feels so good and I love the feeling of him stretching into me and taking control of my body.
"Daryl," he whispers just ta be sayin' my name as he starts moving in and out. And he leans in to kiss me, his cock and his tongue both invading me at the same time and I'm his completely.
Our bodies move together and soft sighs fall from both of us. As my sighs turn to gasps and start to round intro cries that Rick knows is me ready ta come, he stops kissing and holds my head and looks into my eyes.
"Wanna watch your eyes when you come," he whispers. I keep his gaze as long as I can but coming with your eyes open is like sneezing with 'em open. I don't think it's possible.
When I finally burst from the friction on my cock 'gainst our bodies and the feeling of him inside hitting just the right spot, my eyes snap shut. He was right with me. Felt him ready and his eyes prolly shut at the exact same second and we's coming together hard. That look in his eyes that last second 'fore we shut 'em... It was like he's givin' me everythin' a' his. Everythin'.
But then in tha mornin', it's back. That 'wanna be somewhere else' in his eyes. He was already gettin' dressed when I woke. He leaned down and kissed me on tha forehead like a damn Carol kiss. I don't want a fuckin' forehead kiss. And I'm angry but can't show it cause he's already tryin' ta run away from me. Don't want ta give him any more reason.
"You goin' ta breakfast?" I ask sleepily, sittin' up.
"Nah, gotta take care of some stuff in the garden. Just eager to get started today."
I'm sad. Heartbroken. Somethin's in his mind he ain't sharin' and it's hurtin' me worse than pa's belt.