Chapter Text
Falling.
That’s how these nightmares always start. It had been years since Louis dreamed of that awful night. But sometimes, after a particularly stressful day, the muscle memory reminded him. Louis was fully healed, of course. His bones knit back together, and his legs didn’t ache with every step anymore. His battered eye was perfect vampiric vision again. But still, no matter how long ago or how healed he was from the ordeal, that long-buried scar tissue remained. His body was restored, his relationship with Lestat was restored, but his heart still sometimes felt the ache. Lestat wasn’t aware of these dreams. They rarely spoke of that event anymore and when they did, it often ended with both of them in tears. Louis clutching a sobbing Lestat to his chest as he begged for the forgiveness Louis had granted him years ago. The nightmares though? Louis never spoke of them to anyone. He simply couldn’t withstand the look of agony that would mar Lestat’s face when reminded of his greatest failure.
It had been a hard day with the court. Lestat and Louis both felt the weariness seeping into their bones as they returned to Lestat’s apartment in the Château. They only had the energy to change into their sleep attire and fall into bed together. The sun-proof window coverings triggered automatically at 5am. So more often than not, they both chose to sleep in the plush bed Lestat had commissioned in royal blue and emerald green velvet. It was an ode to both their hearts he had told Louis.
And so tonight, in the steadfast safety of Lestat’s arms, Louis is falling. He feels the cold air slashing at his skin. He feels the cuts being further ripped open by the force of gravity. He can’t catch his breath. He wants to scream. He wants to beg Lestat to catch him. “Let go of me!” he had raged at Lestat in a last moment of defiance. Even beaten within an inch of his life, Louis was stubborn. Louis was a fighter. That was what drew Lestat to him in the first place. So Louis falls. He’s ready for the impact again. He’s bracing himself for the inevitable collision in which his skeletal frame shatters inside his mottled skin. Lestat had actually dropped him, and his broken heart hurts more than his broken body.
The impact never comes though. Louis gasps awake at the same moment just before he hits the ground every time. He’s crying and trembling. He can’t breathe. It’s only after several moments of gulping the air that Louis realizes he’s not alone in his coffin this time. No, he’s in bed with Lestat. And Lestat knows.
Lestat is holding Louis to his chest while rocking him back and forth. He’s cradling Louis’ head and wiping the tears from his face. “Louis….please just breathe. You’re alright. It’s alright….” he hears Lestat murmuring to him. He feels the tender kisses Lestat is pressing to his temple. He knows the Lestat from his nightmare is not the Lestat holding him now. He allows the comfort, because Lestat is a balm to his soul. He always has been even when Louis tried so hard to deny it and even when Lestat was so unworthy.
Louis takes a few more minutes to calm himself. He burrows further into Lestat’s arms, nuzzling his head into the crook of Lestat’s neck. He silently wishes Lestat would not ask. Please don’t ask what the nightmare was about, but Lestat can’t help himself. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Louis shakes his head, but his shuddering whimper betrays him. Lestat’s arms tighten around him at this, seemingly involuntary. It’s as if Lestat thinks the tighter he holds Louis, the more he can keep him from shattering like broken glass onto the opulent carpet below. “I know what you dream of, Louis. And I know that nothing I could ever say or do will erase what I did to you….if I could take it back….I would kill myself, Louis. I would kill myself if I knew it would’ve prevented the monster I am from ever harming you.”
Louis looked up to see Lestat staring ahead with tears in his eyes. He pressed a kiss to the scar in the corner of Lestat’s mouth. Unconditionally. When Lestat had told Louis about the wolves and how he got that scar, Louis kissed it. It was an unspoken sentiment between them anytime Louis kissed the flaw. Unconditionally. Despite everything, that’s how they loved each other. Always have. Always will.
“I didn’t want you to know. I forgave you, Lestat. I’m healed. Why can’t you let it go too?”
Lestat scoffed and moved away from Louis to sit on the edge of the bed with his head bowed in shame. Louis resisted for a bit, but he needed Lestat’s touch. He moved to sit behind him, resting his chin on Lestat’s shoulder and curling around him to bring his hands to Lestat’s middle. He immediately covered Louis’ hands with his own as he accepted the embrace. “I will never let it go, Louis. Every time I look at you, your beautiful face, I remember the damage I did. You think I didn’t notice the limp or how you sometimes needed a cane? Even after six years, you think I didn’t notice how you sometimes flinched in pain when your hips moved in a certain position? She told me everything.”
Louis didn’t have to guess. He knew Claudia would’ve wasted no time in letting Lestat have it. He just didn’t know she’d described the severity of his injuries to Lestat in such graphic detail. He’d have to remember to ask her about it when she came back to the Château after her travels through Greece with Benji.
“I was supposed to love you. I was supposed to protect you. Unconditionally.” Lestat whispered. “And what did I do? I became like my bastard of a father. He’d beat Gabrielle. He’d beat me. I hated him, Louis! I despised him! And then I did that to you! You! The person most precious to me that has ever existed…my world, Louis. You’ve always been my world and I destroyed you in a blind rage of cowardly, selfish fear!”
Louis couldn’t say anything as he held Lestat, because what Lestat was saying was essentially true. Louis only wished that Lestat could see himself how Louis saw him. He wasn’t the sum of that one terrible act. He had worked so hard to fix himself, to become the sublime man he was today. He was a doting, loving husband to Louis. He was a wonderful father to Viktor and Rose. He earned Claudia’s trust again after saving her life in Paris. Louis didn’t miss the profound emotions that flashed across Lestat’s face when Claudia had called him “Papa Les” one Christmas morning as they all opened presents here in Lestat’s Château apartment. Lestat was choked up then, but Louis simply kissed his cheek to reassure him.
Even if some, like Armand, still felt Lestat’s contrition necessary, Louis couldn’t hurt Lestat for anything. Not after everything Lestat had been through and everything he’d done to take responsibility for himself. He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss to Lestat’s temple.
“I shattered your back….broke your legs….your hips….fractured your ribs….one of them punctured your lung….you were blinded in one eye….I did that, Louis. The monster that I am….I did that to you.” Lestat whispered again in a broken voice. This was always what Lestat did whenever the incident was brought up. He would list every injury, and with each injury his eyes would grow more dim. It was as if Lestat had to list them to torture himself. Every wound Louis had suffered at Lestat’s hands was like a self-flagellating stab straight into Lestat’s heart.
“It wasn’t the physical injuries, Lestat. It was my heart. My body wasn’t what broke that night….you broke my heart. I love you. I loved you then. All I wanted with you was a life. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to be your husband and have children with you.” Louis didn’t miss the way Lestat reverently caressed their emerald wedding rings at that statement.
“I couldn’t understand why someone like you would’ve ever wanted someone as insignificant as me.” Louis continued. Lestat winced, and Louis pressed a kiss to his shoulder as he allowed himself to finally release these feelings to Lestat. Louis wanted to get rid of these last drops of poison so they could both truly move on and recover.
“You told me that you were my family, and I’m so sorry that it took…. everything it took for me to realize that. You did a terrible thing, and I didn’t deserve it. But I’m not entirely blameless. I rejected you when I rejected feeding on humans. Things just spiraled out of control. And you, brat that you are….” Louis laughed while kissing Lestat’s shoulder again. “….you thought Antoinette would make me feed again.”
“I’m sorry. I only wanted you healthy. You can’t know what it felt like seeing you like that….so weak and frail….” Lestat choked on a sob.
“Ssshhh. I know.” Louis whispered kissing his temple this time. “I know. I didn’t understand it then. But I do now. I understand everything now.”
“All you had to do was ask. I would’ve killed her immediately. I would’ve done it for Claudia, but I just wanted something from you….something to show that you cared. I loved you so damn much, Louis. I only wanted a fragment to show that you felt anything for me.”
Louis continued resting his chin on Lestat’s shoulder, but he curled himself tighter around his back, resting his cheek against Lestat’s cheek.
“You were always enough, Louis. Always. I was the one who wasn’t enough. And now, I don’t deserve it, but I have been given a second chance with you….a chance to make things right. I will thank God for that every moment until my dying breath.”
Louis smiled at him then. This beautiful, broken man who was his. He’d have it no other way.
“Since when do you believe in God?”
Lestat chuckled before turning in Louis’ embrace to hold his face in his hands and gently wipe Louis’ tears with his thumbs.
“Since you, my Saint Louis. How can God not exist when we’ve both seen the Devil, and you were the one to conquer the beast for both of us?”
Louis knew what he meant, and the magnitude of that statement overwhelmed him completely. He kissed Lestat, feeling their hearts beating in sync as their chests electrified together from the touch of each other alone. When the kiss broke, they rested their foreheads together.
“I don’t want you hiding anything from me. I don’t deserve being spared any pain, Louis. Whether you know it or not, I will never forgive myself for causing you any pain. I love you, Louis….the best thing that ever happened to me, but my failing you….I can’t forgive that.”
Lestat kissed Louis’ forehead. He kissed his eyelids, lingering on the eye that had been blinded. He kissed all over his face before kissing down his neck to rest his head on Louis’ chest.
“Unconditionally, Louis. I love you, and I promise I will never be that monster again.” Lestat whispered before leaning down to press a kiss to his heart.
Louis laid back in the bed taking Lestat with him. Lestat kept his head on Louis’ chest listening to his heartbeat.
“It’s the past, Lestat. I know that’s not you anymore. We were both in such darkness then, but here we are. We endured.”
He kissed the top of Lestat’s head and stroked his fingers through his golden hair.
“Do you hear that? It’s dancing for you, Lestat. It’s only ever danced for you.”
Lestat choked on sob before pressing another kiss to Louis’ heart.
They laid there like that a bit longer before drifting into sleep again, Lestat protectively holding Louis while resting against his chest. Louis caressing his head and back.
“I love you, Louis.” Lestat said quietly as sleep overtook him.
“I love you, Lestat….unconditionally.” Louis told him before worshipfully brushing his thumb across the mouth scar and allowing contented sleep to claim him as well. There were no more nightmares after that.