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They've been on the island for approximately seven minutes, going by Chris's sea monkey watch, anyway, when Darren plops down onto the sand and says, "Well, I guess we'd better have sex."
"What?" Chris asks, turning away from watching the last remains of their boat bob away. "What exactly is it about this situation that screams "we should have sex" to you? I'd love to know, honestly."
"What, that's not what you're thinking?" Darren asks.
"No," Chris says tightly. "I'm thinking about food, and drinking water, and how long it will take for someone to realize we're missing, and how long it would take me to snap and eat you if we can't find food."
"...Dude," Darren says, squinting up at him. "That's fucked up."
"More fucked up than immediately wanting to bone me?" Chris asks, making sure to leave space between them when he drops to the sand, in case Darren takes it as some kind of signal that he's willing and ready for sandy beach sex.
"That's how it works on tv," Darren says. "Either we explore each other sexually or a smoke monster shows up, and the sexual exploration is the less confusing of those two options."
"You watch stupid tv," Chris huffs. "What, did you never watch Gilligan's Island?"
"I watched Swiss Family Robinson," Darren says, his eyes lighting up. "Holy shit, do you think there are any ostriches here that we can race?"
"I'm not talking to you anymore," Chris says, turning his back on Darren even though it means the sun is shining directly into his face. Fuck, he hopes his sunscreen holds up until someone notices they're missing and comes after them. "Come on, Chris!" he mumbles under his breath. "It'll be fun, Chris! Nothing bad will happen!"
"I am never listening to you again," Chris says, loudly enough that he's sure Darren can hear.
"Yeah, yeah," Darren says, shuffling around behind him until his back is pressed against Chris's and they're holding each other up. "You said the same thing after we got trapped in that giant pot of gold at the leprechaun museum in Ireland."
"I told you to never mention that again," Chris says, letting his head fall back onto Darren's shoulder. "How long do you think it will take someone to come looking for us?"
"We were supposed to go to dinner with Mark and Ashley at five," Darren says.
"Oh great," Chris sighs. "They'll order drinks and then forget we were supposed to meet them in the first place. We're doomed."
"Sucks," Darren says, dropping his head to Chris's shoulder. They sit in silence for all of five more minutes before Darren clears his throat and says, "So. How long do we have to be stuck here before sex becomes an option?"
"Five days," Chris says, throwing a handful of sand over his shoulder at Darren. "But cannibalism becomes an option on day two, so don't get too excited."