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Atsushi expected a lot of things when he joined the Armed Detective Agency. For example, he thought he’d have to face precarious cases with gruesome deaths, he’d have to face his own fear of the Tiger and also get thrown into battle with ability users who have fallen into darkness.
He is, however, not prepared for Kunikida to mutter in barely contained horror, “He’s called the Horny Dog of the Port Mafia.”
Atsushi stares at the picture of a Victorian emo kid who has somehow made it to the 21st century. He looks back to Kunikida.
“Wh – why is he called that?”
From one table down, Dazai warns, “Don’t let him get you, Atsushi. If he gets you he’ll threaten to peg you.”
“Don’t you mean he’ll threaten to kill me?”
Kunikida shudders. “I wish he did that instead.”
“Um?”
Ranpo clicks his lollipop against his tongue, eyes open for the first time since Atsushi saw him. “That mafioso cooked, seasoned and ate the president’s cat.”
“UM????”
“Don’t let him get to you Atsushi,” Dazai urges. “I admit it’ll feel good after a while but you shouldn’t fall to sins of the flesh – ”
-
Turns out the agency was not kidding because the first thing that emo kid says is, “If you don’t match my freak, I’ll peg you. If you do match my freak I’ll still peg you but at least you’ll enjoy it.”
His blond (girlfriend? Side-pegger? Voyeurism fanatic?) immediately swivels to face him and declares, “I’ll gladly get pegged by you Akutagawa-senpai!”
Akutagawa cracks a slap against her cheek. “Nobody gets pegged unless they have the quenchiest butt the size that makes me want to howl like a werewolf – ”
“What the fuck did you just say to me?”
Junichiro turns to Atsushi from where he’s holding a dying Naomi. “Don’t question it Atsushi!” He bemoans. “It’ll only get worse from here.”
But before Atsushi can even decide what the fuck to question Akutagawa turns back to him and says, “There is a bounty on you. Because your booty is magnificent.”
“ . . . ”
“ . . . and also because you’re a weretiger. So . . . you can either come with me in peace or just come.”
“WHAT?!”
The blond turns back to Akutagawa and says urgently, “Senpai! What did boss say about flirting with the enemy?”
Akutagawa considers. “Don’t be too sexual because they’ll think you’re a sex offender?”
“That’s not even close?”
“No matter,” Akutagawa turns his withering glare back to Atsushi. “Now, are you coming or coming?”
“Neither of them?????”
Akutagawa sighs. “I will either feed on the forbidden filling of your organic mochi or the sauce within your veins.”
“What?”
“I will either feed on the – ”
“No I heard you, what I meant to say is what the fuck –”
Whatever the fuck it meant, Atsushi doesn’t get time to respond because the next thing he knows a black shadow-like creature shaped suspiciously like an octopus dildo rushes towards him at high speed.
-
The dollar store near Atsushi’s dorm must be cursed because the first time Atsushi went to buy chazuke it was out and the second time Atsushi met him.
And just Atsushi’s luck, Akutagawa sees him as soon as he enters.
“You’re here because . . . I can finally peg you?”
“No,” Atsushi sighs. “Can you stop hitting on me? With your ability too?”
Akutagawa shakes his head. “My ability, the mighty dildo – ”
“I’m fairly certain that’s not what it’s called – ”
“is an ability that’s meant for tearing apart pants . . . and then morphing into a makeshift dildo – ”
“Ew. Okay.” Atsushi steps away as a tendril of Rashomon stretches near his face.
“Haha, loser,” Akutagawa crows, pointing at him. “Also, I’m touching your feet with another Rashomon.”
-
“I never really asked,” Atsushi utters as Akutagawa fumbles with his polybags. “How did your ability come to be? Mine was in the orphanage and I started killing the livestock.”
Akutagawa nods. “Mine was when I fucked myself on a dildo – ”
“Okay – never mind.”
“ – too hard.”
“ . . . ”
“And now I’m cursed with a magnificent dildo ability that I use to peg other people with.”
“ . . . but you can also not do it – ”
“The curse is that I enjoy it.”
“My bad, I shouldn’t have asked.”
Akutagawa gives Atsushi his bag of chazuke back, which, for some reason he had decided to carry to his dorm. Atsushi was half certain he was about to die until Akutagawa told him very seriously that ‘real men kill each other after vigorously pounding each other into the mattress’. Not exactly a worthy reassurance but Atsushi makes do.
Before Atsushi can open his dorm door, Akutagawa stops him. Says, “I got it.”
He rips off the door from its hinges with Rashomon.
Atsushi blinks. “Thank you?”
“No,” Akutagawa tells him patiently and starts running away. “I said I got it. It’s mine now.”
-
Atsushi is glad he joined the Armed Detective Agency because he does not want to be a part of whatever the fuck the Port Mafia has got going on.
Three people – supposedly the members of the Black Lizards Squad – turn the agency upside down. And once they’re defeated by Kunikida and his amazing ability to hold shit together, the redhead one with a bandage over his nose turns to Atsushi and exclaims, “Weretiger! Dazai used to be skibidi core and enjoyed grimace shakes even though now he’s more into cocomelon’s drip. Don’t let yourself be fooled by his lobotomied gyatt, okay? He’s just trying to rizzmax these days”
What the fuck?
-
Two days later, Akutagawa shows up at the agency’s window, smashes it open, sticks his head inside, and flips Dazai off before leaving.
-
When Akutagawa shows up at the Moby Dick it’s less to peg and more to kill.
“What is the point of living!” He shouts at Atsushi. “Your parents are dead, weretiger. Nobody is going to tell you they’re proud of you!”
Atsushi flips him off with his tiger paw. “And Dazai isn’t going to hand-feed you compliments either.”
Akutagawa gasps comically loud. He turns to his coat and commands, “Go Rashomon! Use vibration!”
What the fu –
-
Once they bring down the Moby dick and Atsushi survives listening to Akutagawa make twenty different sexually frustrating jokes about the ship’s name, he finds Kyouka, Dazai and the president on the shore.
He hugs Kyouka and asks her if she’s okay.
Behind him, Dazai and Akutagawa are moaning in celebration. Atushi wants to kill himself.
-
The Port Mafia and the Agency forge an alliance which means Atsushi unfortunately meets Akutagawa more than he’d want.
“Weretiger,” he says from the windowsill, already having broken the window, “do you know Dazai ruined my life when I was young by telling me that I could grow shrimp by burying the shrimp holder.”
Before Atsushi can tell him that yes, he has, in fact, heard of this more than ten times, Dazai interrupts.
“You should stop bringing that up in every conversation, Akutagawa.”
Akutagawa blinks. “You should stop. Breathing – ”
-
“You know Atsushi,” Akutagawa says to Atsushi when he’s on his way to his dorm and definitely not expecting the mafioso to drop out of nowhere, “When I was young my biggest dream was to – ”
“Let me guess, to peg someone?”
Akutagawa sputters. “How dare you assume such atrocious things!!! Your parents are dead.”
“Yeah I know – ”
“My dream was to become a great motherfucker.”
There is a moment of silence.
Hesitantly, Atsushi asks, “Is it, by any chance, just being a great dude or fucking – ”
“Fucking mothers, yes.” Akutagawa nods. “I wanted to fuck mothers across the nation but unfortunately, I’m just a fatherfucker.”
“What?”
“What?”
. . .
“My second greatest dream, however, is to peg the roundest, juiciest looking – ”
“It’s my fault I’m not deaf.”
-
Here’s the thing, Atsushi is sure he’s not into whatever freaky things Akutagawa is into. But at the same time, just hear him out on this one, if you just squint and look past the – the everything, if you just hear him out, if you just see and just hear him out goddamit –
No wait, what the fuck is he thinking oh god –
-
Dazai stares at him. “So you want to match Akutagawa’s freak.”
“No,” Atsushi stresses. “I want to know him better.”
“By matching his freak?”
“There is no freak to be matched!”
“Tell you what, there is a meeting between the Armed Detective Agency and the Port Mafia in two days, I’ll do the introductions properly this time. How does that sound?”
-
Two days later Dazai is standing on the table with a shit-eating grin on his face as the Port Mafia executive Chuuya Nakahara chases him around with a belt in his hand screaming ‘DIE DAZAI’ at the top of his lungs.
Akutagawa leans towards Atsushi and whispers, “See? They’re matching each other’s freak.”
Atsushi glances at the side where Kunikida is staring at the fiasco, a vein popping in his forehead. He’s definitely not enjoying the freakmatch.
-
Dazai and Atsushi run into Akutagawa in a bookstore and Atsushi runs into a shelf by mistake.
Outside, there’s an ongoing blizzard and Dazai suggested they take haven here; although, now that Atsushi thinks back to the suggestion, there was too much smugness involved.
Akutagawa drops his yaoi books (yaoi books!?!?!?) on the table and turns to Atsushi.
“Japanese or English, weretiger?” He asks.
Atsushi stares. Beside him, Dazai whistles. “I love that old gag!”
“Um, normally I’d say Japanese but the way you’re asking that, I’ll choose English.”
Akutagawa nods. “Whoever moves first is gay.”
Dazai promptly starts tap dancing in a way that resembles more a chicken than any dancer, and Akutagawa propels Atsushi over two bookcases with Rashomon.
Upon gasping and opening his eyes, Atsushi finds Akutagawa hunched over his face. “So . . . are you up for gay sex?”
“He is!” Dazai yells.
“I’m not!” Atsushi sobs.
“What do you mean?” Akutagawa asks in confusion. “I can see your boner very clearly, I’ll have you know.”
Atsushi stands and dusts off his hair. “That is my uh – that is my gun. The armed in Armed Detective Agency doesn’t stand for . . . unarmed. Hah. Bye.”
He flees.
Outside in the freezing cold, Dazai points at Atsushi and laughs. “Can’t believe you’re into BDSM.”
“That should not be your take from this Dazai-san!”
-
A bank robbery happened to take place on a beautiful Sunday morning when Atsushi generally had his day off. This bank robbery also happened to catch Dazai’s attention for some reason and the elder thought it an amazing idea to take Atsushi with him.
That’s how Atsushi finds himself outside the bank squeezing through crowding media. Near the entrance to the bank stands the Yokohama police and half of them look grim. One of them turns to Dazai and Atsushi as they approach and sighs in relief.
“I’m glad you’re here, detectives. The Horny Dog is already a gruesome nightmare. And now that he’s high it’s worse.”
Atsushi swivels his head to Dazai. “Akutagawa is high!” He shouts. Then adds. “Wait, Akutagawa is the robber!?!? Is that why you bought me here on Sunday?”
“No, Atsushi-kun. I didn’t bring you here because Akutagawa’s robbing the bank . . . I bought you here because the Black Lizards and Akutagawa are robbing the bank. Together.”
“ . . . and they’re all high – ”
“They’re all high.”
Dazai preens as Atsushi goes through a small mental crisis. “It’s ten in the morning,” he bemoans. “Who does drugs at ten in the morning.”
Rubbing the back of his neck, Dazai laughs. “Whoever taught Akutagawa to do punctual drugs is definitely an idiot. Whoever he is. Hah. Like, it could never be me, you know Atsushi-kun? Not me. Someone else. Surely that dumb slug – ”
One officer hands Dazai a satellite phone. The officer explains, “They’re discussing negotiations.”
Dazai stares at the phone and clears his throat. He . . . sings? Atsushi wants to kill himself.
“Hello! This is the Detective Agen – ”
“Oh, thank God you’re here – ”
“Hey hey. Don’t interrupt me. . . Cyy!”
Atsushi pities whichever bank clerk Dazai is talking to right now.
The clerk on the other side of the phone speaks, “All of them are here asking for money. The Horny Dog is threatening to peg people and the redhead with a bandage over his nose is talking about sigmas.”
“Yes, I see, I see,” Dazai nods. “That does sound like Akutagawa and Tachihara.”
“And now the Horny Dog is talking about a straight pride parade.”
“OH!” For the first time, Dazai sounds alert. “He’s in his straight phase!? Now that’s dangerous. I’ll dial the other agency members straight away.”
“ . . . you didn’t do that yet?”
“ . . . no I forgot my phone. But no worries, I have Kunikida’s!”
Atsushi would have bought his phone but Dazai was adamant that he doesn’t. God forbid someone works in this organization.
Dazai passes Atsushi the satellite phone and takes out supposedly Kunikida’s phone. Dazai switches it on and a bleak, black wallpaper greets him. Also a password.
“Oh shit,” Dazai mutters. “I forgot the password.” He thinks for a moment, then starts typing while thinking aloud. “Kunikida one two three. One two three Kunikida. Kunikida ideal. Ideal book Kunikida.”
None of them unlock the phone. Atsushi sighs. Dazai scowls and yanks the satellite phone out of Atsushi’s grip. “You know what, pass me the robber,” he says.
There is a moment of shuffling as the clerk finds which robber to pass the phone to. In the end she passes it to, lo and behold, Akutagawa. Atsushi’s face tints red for absolutely no reason.
“Hallo~” comes the jovial voice that most definitely belongs to Akutagawa.
“You’re going down!” Dazai yells.
Akutagawa gasps. “Are you one of those straights who think gays should be in hell?”
“Wha – no! I’m Dazai from the agen – ”
“Oh! Did you call the others yet?”
“No, I forgot Kunikida-kun’s password.”
“Did you try Kunikida one two three?”
“Yes.”
“One two three Kunikida?”
“Mhm.”
“Kunikida ideal?”
“Yep.”
“Ideal book Kunikida?”
“Yes I did.”
“Did you try Dazai you absolute moron?”
Dazai’s lips lock together. He glances at Atsushi then quickly types in the offered password. The phone unlocks. Atsushi starts questioning whether resigning is worth it after all.
“Tell you what, Akutagawa,” Dazai says, “Atsushi is here with me.”
The response is instant. “Is he here to join my cult, the Brotherhood of Evil Gays?”
Atsushi timidly asks, “Why-um-why is it called that?”
“Because our plan is to eradicate the straights.”
When Akutagawa doesn’t add anything further, Atsushi frowns and asks, “No pegging this time?”
There is a comical gasp. “You dare assume I would peg a straight person.”
“If you’re pegging them that automatically makes them gay though.”
“HOW!?”
“Because you ask for consent?”
“Oh. Yes. That’s right. Hey, tell you what, there’s this priest here. Do you think I should convince him to let me peg him?”
“Catholic?”
“Yep.”
“Is he hot?”
“Makes my eyes scorch like eggs on a warm pan.”
Dazai whacks Atsushi over his head. “What are you doing?” He whisper-yells.
Atsushi covers the satellite phone with his palm and responds, “What else do I say!?”
“Maybe flirt once this is over?”
“You’re flirting with me!?!?” Akutagawa screams from the satellite phone. “Tachihara! I managed to rizz the weretiger!”
A second voice yells back "So when does the gay sex happen?"
“No!” Atsushi yells. “You did not manage — he did not do anything!”
Dazai wretches the satellite phone from Atsushi’s hand again. “Akutagawa-kun, I hope you know this isn’t a joke.”
“And I hope you die first.”
Suddenly, the phone in Dazai’s hand – Kunikida’s phone – starts ringing. The caller id says it’s Dazai and the ringtone pretty much indicates that too.
Hesitantly, Dazai picks the call and is greeted by ‘WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU BRAT!?’
“Ha-ha. Hi Kunikida-kun!” Dazai exclaims.
Kunikida doesn’t reflect Dazai’s happiness. “Do you want me to strange you with your bandages and throw you from the agency building!? Stay on the call, I’ll be there in ten.”
“Sure thing, Kuni-chan!”
At about the same time an aura of red brightens over the field and a redhead steps over the crowd to assess the bank. With a gasp, Atsushi realizes it’s Port Mafia executive Chuuya Nakahara.
“Chuuya!” Dazai exclaims. “I knew my dog will be here in time to collect his pups!”
“Shut up, shitty mackerel.” Chuuya turns to the bank. “Tch. I told them not to follow your advice of getting high early.”
Atsushi frowns and turns to Dazai who doesn’t stop to survey the scene before saying, “A loyal dog always follows the words of his loyal master, you know.”
“Maybe stop acting like a bitch and handle the situation.”
“Oh, but what would be the point! My darling slug is already here. A little late but what else can I expect.”
Before Chuuya can retaliate, the officer nearby hesitantly raises his hand. “I don’t get how you joined the agency when you’re . . .” he gestures vaguely at Dazai’s entire being. Atsushi has the same question.
Dazai laughs. “HahaHAAA! I’m actually not always like this, I just like being degraded.”
From the phone comes Kunikida’s voice, “WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!?!?”
Atsushi wants to go home and leave Yokohama and Japan altogether. Maybe live as a hermit and renounce sex from his life. Who knows.
-
Akutagawa finds Atsushi crying.
Atsushi didn’t mean to be caught like this, so vulnerable and weak. He doesn’t even understand why he’s crying. The director of the orphanage was not a good person, much less a parent to Atsushi. Children cry when their parents die. Atsushi needs to stop crying.
That’s how Akutagawa finds him, running out of breath because his tears won’t stop.
The mafioso doesn’t say anything as Atsushi expected him to. He simply sits beside him and hesitantly wraps his pinky finger over Atsushi’s.
New rivulets of tears escape his eyes and paint his cheeks in salt. Atsushi clenches his jaw and runs his free hand over his eyes.
“Weretiger.” Akutagawa says. Then swallows. “Atsushi. Would you like a hug? I promise I won’t get hard this time.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Come here.” Akutagawa beckons Atsushi over and Atsushi doesn’t question it.
Shyly, he wraps his hand around Rashomon coat and leans his head on Akutagawa’s shoulder. He momentarily forgets just what Akutagawa called him.
-
To help the agency’s president and the boss of the Port Mafia, Atsushi and Akutagawa need to work together. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence because nowadays Akutagawa is always attached to Atsushi by the hip anyway. What’s absolutely throwing Atsushi off the loop is how Akutagawa and Dazai-san are glaring into each other’s souls.
“Dazai-san,” Akutagawa says.
Dazai smiles. “Yes, Akutagawa-kun?”
“You know, I had a dream about you.”
Atsushi nearly spits out his drink – which he isn’t even drinking right now – and gawks at Akutagawa in surprise. Now, there are a few things you should know about Akutagawa: 1. He doesn’t like Dazai. And 2. He does not like Dazai.
So, it’s only fair to think Atsushi is a little incredulous at the sudden bought-up dream.
Dazai, on the other hand, smiles part-smug and part-amused. “Go on,” he beckons.
Akutagawa claps his hand and dabs once. “Okay so both of us were out hanging, and then you shat everywhere – ”
“Okay, you can stop now.”
“ – it was a total shitfest. Just shit flying around pfew pfew – ”
“I get it you – ”
“ – and then you picked up your shit and started drawing on the wall with it.”
“Oh, God. Stop.” Dazai groans. He stands to, Atsushi thinks, punch Akutagawa across his face, but Akutagawa interrupts it before it happens by saying, “You missed the best part!”
“I don’t want to hear the best part,” Dazai mutters.
“Your boyfriend, Chuuya, came in and both of us started making out right in front of you.”
“That’s taking it too far.”
Akutagawa blinks at him innocently. “But I was just about to bring up Oda, who you know has that beekeeper vibes?”
Dazai looks momentarily confused. “No. What vibes. What?”
“Yeah. So then we fucked. Like rawdogged it. Totally creamed that bagel, if you know what I mean. Buttered that biscuit. Sugared that cookie. There was so much liquid and . . . other stuff.”
After that, Atsushi passes out, but when he returns, Dazai is crying next to him, and Akutagawa is still explaining how beautiful Oda’s toes are. Atsushi passes out again.
-
After the guild incident gets resolved, the Armed Detective Agency and the Port Mafia get into a habitual festive mood where every once in a while both organizations get together and celebrate. Usually, these celebrations are when new recruits are added – for example, when Kyouka joined the ADA. Sometimes, they are simply a no-kill afterparty.
Today, the ceremony is about Ace’s – a Port Mafia executive – death. Atsushi doesn’t really understand why they have gathered to celebrate someone’s passing but. Well. He gets free food.
Halfway through, Akutagawa stands at the stage and clears his throat. Atsushi looks up at him and nearly chokes. Why the fuck is the mafioso dressed in a half-naked-like swan costume what the fuck –
“Hello everyone,” Akutagawa beams. “I will take care of the music today. And right now, I will play a very nice Christmas Song.”
Atsushi doesn’t know why Akutagawa has Christmas Songs on his phone considering it’s nowhere near Christmas. But, he needn’t have worried, for Akutagawa switches on his phone and plays something. Instead of happy jingles, the mafioso’s own voice rings out.
“Hello people~ this is the song I have composed about Santa’s sweaty toes. I call it: Daddy Red.
Ah~ those sweaty toes
Ah~ they make me want to suck
You have toes beneath your socks
Daddy Red let me lick the salt – ”
Kunikida-san slams his head on the table and passes out. Instead of worrying, Dazai-san draws a dick on Kunikida-san’s cheek. A rather small dick, and names it “Doppodick”.
-
The first time Atsushi visits the Port Mafia base, he passes a laboratory. Since he has no idea how to navigate the place, he decides to ask whoever is working inside for directions to the boss’s office.
But, any and all thoughts of this abandon his mind when he peeps through the keyhole. He spots a slender man sticking experiment straws in a lemon while murmuring, “You like that, hm? What if I push in another one? Would it rip if I did that? Does it hurt, baby? Oh no, look, you squirted so much on Daddy.”
He immediately fucks off and decides to never ever visit the Mafia base again.
-
In order to investigate frequent ability user deaths, Atsushi is sent to search an abandoned building. As soon as he enters, the faint noise of manic cackling echoes around the room. It doesn’t help calm Atsushi’s nerves but he is an Agency Member. He is dedicated to the goal of the ADA and will do whatever is in his power to stop evil.
Ten minutes later, he is running away at top speed after seeing a snow-white-haired dude sweet talk to an enormous man-sized pillow.
“It’s just you and me now, Fedya. Just your favorite crazy clown and his humongous ass. Oh, excuse me, Fedya, I seemed to have dropped my hat. Let me bend it down to pick it up. Just, bending down for the hat. Oh no~ hope no pretty Russians take advantage of this~”
-
A year after joining the ADA, Atsushi has written his resignation letter and is on his way to hand it over to Fukuzawa-dono. It’s been . . . questionably great. Greater than he could ask for, of course. Yet, at the same time, everything is too crazy for him to handle. And although he feels a bit guilty about not informing Kyouka about his decision, he understands he isn’t strong enough to face that conversation.
When he’s halfway down the lane from his dorm, he, rather unfortunately, runs into Akutagawa.
“Weretiger,” the mafioso grunts and grabs Atsushi’s hand, “I was just looking for you.”
Generally, whenever the Horny Dog of the Mafia looks for Atsushi, it’s for killing or pegging or smelling his feet. Today, however, Akutagawa looks uncharacteristically shy. He scratches his left ear, moves his feet back and forth, and chews his bottom lip.
Finally, he blurts, “Atsushi, would you like to be my Valentine?”
Atsushi frowns. “It’s January.”
A scoff.
“I refuse to be held back by a calendar, Weretiger.” Then, “So . . . yes? No?”
Akutagawa takes out a card from underneath Rashomon and hands it over to Atsushi. It’s a blue card with the words ‘match my freak for the rest of our lives’ brandished in the middle. At the corners are several detailed pictures of toes in all shapes and forms. The words themselves are surrounded by white color, which Akutagawa has labeled as ‘semen’ in case Atsushi got any wrong ideas.
The thought of resignation vanished. Atsushi doesn’t really understand why. There are millions of better things to look for in a person. Billions. But he supposes if all else fails, at least his life will be more adventurous. More freakier. God, Atsushi loves this stupid man.
“Sure, Akutagawa,” he says, beaming, “Let’s get down and freaky.”
Somewhere
“Nikolai! How many times have I told you to keep your yaoi fanarts of us away from the workplace! No! I don’t care if it’s genderbend yuri, take them down right this instant!”