Chapter Text
wish we could turn back time, to the good old days, i think while packing clancys stuff back into my leather roll.
he's gone for good.
i lost him.
again.
but this time it hurts more than it should do.
i fell in love with him.
i loved him with all my being.
i stand up, looking around.
cole's already gone. he went back to the group before the new bishops could resemble themselves again.
i should go too.
i look up, my sight blurry from tears i dont want to shed.
while i step through these grey streets, memories flash through my head.
memories of us, sailing, singing, smiling. i miss him already.
clancy.. my head hurts, i should stop.
my eyes spot the exit, do i really want to leave? what if i just give myself in? the only way to paradise is self-destruction they say..
i hesitate. no. why- why am i thinking about this, i am the leader of hope.
i cant commit vialism.
silence echoed in the camp.
they all watch me step into the camp.
they cant see what i'm feeling right now.
i stare onto the ground infront of me.
silence.
they tap my shoulders, saying things like "we'll try again" or "next time".
they dont get it.
they will never get it.
i enter my tent, weird, it was our tend only 2 hours ago.
i force myself not to cry, its not the right time.
heavy breaths leave my mouth, i rip the bandana out of my face and watch the tears drip out of my face, falling onto the ground.
my knees touch the ground short time after, i break down, silently crying about the man i have loved.
why did he took him.
why him.
why clancy.
it could be literally anybody else.
why.
my.
man.
i hate the bishops, i hate dema, i hate everything. i hate.. i hate myself.
i'm feeling every small stone under my feet falling apart.
my heart shatters.
i hate myself for not being able to save him. i shoud've been the one saving him from this kind of torture.
no, no, no, i let out a thrifting, loud and painful scream combined with sobs escaping my throat.
i can literally feel the banditos gathering around my tend after hearing my screams.
fuck.
i wish i could just commit to those who practiced vialism and became glorious gones.
the thought of a new clancy defeating clancy, my clancy, makes me rip everything apart.
i hear debby and jenna desperately trying to keep mark and paul of entering my tend.
they worry.
nobody has ever witnessed me falling apart like this, they will treat me differently now.
i get up, shout something like "everybody go!" and enjoy the sudden silence.
time passed.
i haven't left my tend yet.
i just sat here on my bed, starring at the ceiling.
i feel projections of myself popping up, what
where does this feeling come from and why cant i move?
i fall.
i fall into a deep black void.
woah..
i feel my head being empty again, finally.
while falling, pictures of past times flash.
clancy fighting nico, us standing on the hill, clancy sitting at the fireplace enjoying the presence of the neds, our propaganda show and many many more before i hit the ground.
hard concrete ground.
everything becomes black, i hear my back crack before passing out.