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All Things Considered
The weather was surprisingly warm for late autumn, making the walk to school a pleasant one. Jay was supposed to meet them on the usual corner, but he hadn’t shown up and wasn’t answering his phone. This wasn’t particularly disturbing. Jay often slept through his alarm, despite Will’s repeated insistence that he set a back-up one. Neil was also absent, since he’d been at school since some ungodly hour for football practice.
So, it was just Will and Simon. Which was fine. It had been a while since they’d hung out one-on-one. It was a good chance to catch up. It didn’t take Simon long to steer the conversation onto his favourite subject, though.
“I mean, Tara’s great, but relationships are so stressful. Like, it’s her birthday next week, and I honestly don’t know what to get her. Or how much I’m meant to spend. Is there, like, a scale? Based on how long you’ve been going out?”
“I’m sure she won’t be bothered about the price tag,” Will said patiently. “As long as it’s something meaningful.”
“Like what?”
“No idea.”
Simon shot him a sideways look. “Very helpful, cheers.”
Will half-scowled. “To be fair, I’m not the one who knows what Tara likes, am I? Just put some thought into it. Women appreciate thoughtful gifts.”
“And you’re the expert on what women like, are you?”
“I know what your mum likes.”
Simon’s pace faltered as he burst into startled laughter. “Really? A ‘your mum’ line? You’ve been spending way too much time with Jay!”
“Not that much time,” Will said quickly.
“Enough that you’re rubbing off on each other.” Fortunately, Simon didn’t seem to notice how Will’s eyes widened at that phrasing. “You know Jay used the word ‘capricious’ the other day? I thought I’d had a stroke! A few months hanging round you and suddenly he’s got a vocabulary?”
Will did his best not to look insufferably pleased. “Good for him.”
“And he watches the news now!”
“So what if he does?”
“Just saying, it’s weird. Like he’s a pod person or something.”
“He’s allowed to try different things without being judged for them, isn’t he?”
Simon raised his hands in surrender at Will’s defensive tone. “Okay, sorry. Didn’t realise you loved Jay so much all of a sudden.”
Love? Shit…
Will fought to maintain a neutral expression as his stomach fluttered wildly.
“It’s called adapting, Simon,” he said evenly. “Open-mindedness. I’ve been trying things he likes too. It’s what you do when you’re trying to get along with someone.”
“I’m just surprised you haven’t killed each other yet.”
“Why would we?”
Simon shrugged. “Because you’re you, and Jay’s Jay.”
“When Jay tones down the bravado, he’s actually perfectly tolerable. And according to him, so am I, when I’m not being a ‘snarky condescending twat’.”
“Still, you couldn’t be more different.”
“We’re still the same species.”
“You know what I mean. You’re tidy, he’s messy. You’re quiet, he’s loud. You alphabetise your books; he doesn’t even own a book. You’re different in literally every way. What the hell do you even talk about?”
Will hesitated. Why did such a simple question feel strangely personal?
“Lots of things, I suppose,” he said eventually. “What do you and Tara talk about?”
“Not much, really. She does most of the talking. I just sort of… listen.” Simon glanced at him. “That’s different though. Tara’s my girlfriend. You and Jay are just two blokes who are, like, polar opposites. I just can’t imagine you having anything in common.”
“More than you’d think,” Will countered, sharper than intended. “And yes, we’re very different people. But if I wanted to talk to someone exactly like me, I’d talk to myself. I’ve tried that. It’s not much fun.”
“But talking to Jay is?”
“Yes, actually.”
“Fair enough. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, that you suddenly get along. Just curious how it works.”
Will chose to ignore that, instinctively retreating from the edge he’d stepped too close to. What he wanted to say was that Jay made his life better. That he felt seen and understood in a way he hadn’t thought possible. That somewhere along the line, Jay had stopped being tolerable and started being essential.
But he couldn’t say that. Not yet, anyway.
It wasn’t long before they entered the school gates, the usual morning clamour stirring in the background. Across the courtyard, Neil hovered by the main doors, looking faintly windswept as he took hearty swigs from a neon-blue sports drink. Will gave him a brief nod as he and Simon approached.
“Mornin’!” Neil called, way too chipper for the time of day.
“Alright? How was football?” Simon asked.
“Amazing! Rob Miller smashed Antony Walton in the face with the ball. It was by an accident, but still proper busted his nose. There was blood an’ guts everywhere.”
Simon stared at him. “Right. And why’s that amazing?”
“Well, we couldn’t play on, ’cause blood’s like, a health risk in case Walty’s got AIDS or somethin’. So, we got to sit and watch the girls play netball instead.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah! With their little skirts an’ boobies bouncin’ around an’ that. It was well good!”
“Not bad for a Monday morning,” Simon decided.
Will had only half been listening. His gaze kept drifting back towards the gates, scanning the stream of students.
“Is Jay not with you, Neil?” he asked.
“Thought he was walkin’ in with you lot.”
“He was supposed to,” Simon said. “Didn’t show up though.”
Will frowned. “So he’s not here yet?”
Neil shook his head. “Don’t think so. Ain’t seen him.”
“Bit odd, isn’t it?”
“Not really,” Simon shrugged. “You know what he’s like. Probably still in bed.”
“Or bunking off,” Neil supplied.
Will hesitated. Jay bunking off wasn’t unusual. Jay bunking off without at least sending him a text, however…
“Not without telling me.”
The words slipped out before he could filter them. Simon shot him an amused look. Before he could comment, Neil brightened.
“Oi, maybe he’s with that bird he’s been tellin’ me about!”
“What bird?” Simon asked.
“This fit brunette he’s been seeing. Said they spent all Saturday over at hers. Only left the bedroom to piss and eat, apparently.”
Will’s eye widened.
Saturday…
His mum had been out most of the day. And while Jay had grossly overexaggerated their stamina, the opportunity had certainly not gone to waste.
Heat slowly crept up Will’s ears. Not from embarrassment, exactly. More from the disorienting experience of hearing his dirty weekend gossiped about so casually. If he looked as awkward as he felt, his friends certainly didn’t notice.
“Oh yeah?” Simon scoffed. “And what kind of weird and wonderful sex acts did they get up to, then?”
Neil shrugged. “Dunno, he didn’t say. Just said she’s the best he’s ever had. A great kisser with an amazin’ arse.”
Will looked down quickly, pretending to check something on his phone.
Great kisser.
Amazing arse.
The best he’s ever had.
He supposed that was… flattering? In a weird sort of way.
“Well, I’m sure Will knows all about her, seeing as he’s the president of the Jay Cartwright fan club these days.”
Will rolled his eyes at Simon’s derision.
“Yes, very funny,” he muttered, still focused on his phone. “I might just give him a quick call. Make sure everything’s okay.”
“Don’t worry, I’m sure your ‘talking friend’ is fine.” Simon teased. “You coming up?”
Will was already lifting the phone to his ear. “In a minute. I’ll be right behind you.”
Simon and Neil disappeared into the stairwell, their voices echoing faintly as they went.
The phone rang. And rang some more. And then went to voicemail.
Will ended the call with a sigh, frustration and unease buzzing in his ears. He scolded himself internally. He was being overprotective and ridiculous. This was Jay; a man who regularly overslept, or misplaced his phone, or missed registration because he’d lost track of time in the shower. There was a perfectly mundane explanation for his absence, surely…
After a few deep breaths, Will started up the stairs. Halfway up, his phone buzzed.
A text. From Jay. A response, at last! He opened it.
His heart dropped.
‘Soz, cant talk. @ hospital.’
For a second, Will simply stared at the screen, certain he’d misread it. But the words stayed the same.
Hospital…
His fingers moved before his thoughts could catch them.
‘What? Why? Are you okay? What’s happened???’
He paused, looked the text over. Entirely too frantic. He deleted it. Tried again.
‘Hospital? Is everything alright?’
Three dots appeared almost immediately.
‘Im fine. Its my nan. Not lookin good tbh.’
Will felt his chest ache, the noise of the stairwell fading into unimportance. Jay had mentioned his nan often enough, and with such fondness, for Will to realise how much he adored the woman.
The morning bell rang, loud and shrill, prompting a deluge of students to surge by him on their way to registration. Will didn’t join them. Instead, he descended back into the main foyer, slowly taking the nearest seat he came to. He gazed at Jay’s last message, thumbs hovering over the screen as he tried to channel his thoughts into something steady, something supportive.
He drew in a careful breath, and began to type.
The day had felt endless.
Will wasn’t usually one for sneaking looks at his phone during lessons, but he felt the extenuating circumstances warranted it. He’d kept in touch with Jay all morning, asking for updates, offering reassurances, but mostly just providing a sounding board for Jay’s worries. By early afternoon, the frequency of Jay’s messages had slowed.
And then, at 2:34pm…
‘Shes gone.’
Before Will could respond, another text immediately followed.
‘I wish u were here.’
Naturally, Will running along to the hospital hadn’t been a realistic option. Especially not since Jay’s dad was on the scene. Instead, they agreed to meet up by the pond in the park, one of their usual haunts.
By the time Will reached their spot, the autumn sunlight was already thinning, the surface of the water flat and dull beneath a greying sky. Jay sat hunched on the bench facing the pond, elbows on his knees, hands loosely clasped. He didn’t react as Will approached.
For a moment, Will wondered if Jay had changed his mind, decided he didn’t want company after all. Then Jay blinked, as though returning from somewhere far away, and looked over. It took him a second longer than usual to focus. When he did, he stood up immediately, turning to face Will.
His eyes were rimmed red. His shoulders were braced in their familiar defensive line, but there something underneath them that was unsteady. Like he wasn’t quite sure what to do or say. So, Will didn’t ask anything of him. Just stepped forward and pulled him into his arms.
Jay went willingly, practically dissolving into the embrace. He exhaled, long and shaky, into the crook of Will’s neck. Will pressed a gentle kiss to the side of his face, just in front of his ear. Jay pulled back slightly, just enough to look at him. Without overthinking it, he moved in and kissed Will properly. It wasn’t desperate or frantic, but definitely full of need.
Will stiffened for a second, surprised. They didn’t usually do this here. Not so close to home, where anyone might see. But then he relaxed into it, hands resting at Jay’s waist. When they separated, neither commented on it. They just sat down on the bench, side by side, the water in front of them still blank and depressing.
Will took Jay’s hand, thumb tracing circles across the back of it. He considered asking if he was alright, immediately dismissed the idea as idiotic, because of course he fucking wasn’t. He decided to say nothing. To just wait for Jay to talk instead.
After a while, Jay let out a short breath that was almost a laugh. Except it wasn’t.
“Well,” he said, forcing joviality into his voice. “I’ve definitely had better days.”
Will gave him a sympathetic look. Jay met his eyes, catching it. The bravado faltered.
“Oh, don’t start,” he muttered. “Don’t do that face.”
“What face?” Will asked quietly.
“That one. The ‘you’re full of shit and we both know it’ one.”
Will didn’t deny it, just offered a small gentle smile. Jay tried to return it, but found that he couldn’t. His grip tightened on Will’s hand. He swallowed thickly.
“She was fine last week.”
His voice cracked. Will shifted closer, slipping an arm around his shoulders. Jay leaned in without hesitation, teeth gritted as his eyes welled. Right on cue, Will produced a neatly folded handkerchief from his jacket pocket. Jay eyed it, managing a fragile half-smile. Under different circumstances, he’d have gleefully taken the piss. Under these circumstances, he accepted it without comment.
“Sorry,” he muttered, ducking his head. “I’m being fucking stupid.”
“You’re not,” Will said softly.
Jay shook his head, but the tears flowed anyway. He talked despite them, voice unsteady, each sentence muddled and effortful. He recounted about how long the waiting had felt, how scary all the machines were, that horrible moment when the doctor told them it was all over. Will didn’t shush him, or interrupt with platitudes. He just stayed close, listening, his cheek resting against Jay’s hair.
When the words finally ran out, Jay shuffled in closer.
“Sorry.”
Will tightened his arm around him. “Stop apologising, Jay. You’re allowed to be upset.”
Jay gave a humourless huff. “Tell that to my dad. I swear, I couldn’t so much as wipe my nose in there without him pouncing on it. ‘Not cryin’, are ya?’ God, I wish he hadn’t fucking been there. Don’t even know why he was. Made it obvious he didn’t want to be. Nan’s never been keen on him.”
“Smart lady,” Will quipped.
Jay snorted faintly. “Thought he might’ve at least tried to behave himself for Mum’s sake. ’Course he didn’t. Spent the whole time pacing around, banging on about needing to get back to work. Making it all about him, as usual. While my poor grandad just sat there, not saying a word… Not that he needed to. Just the sight of him…”
He trailed off, his voice catching in his throat. He cleared it roughly before continuing.
“Funeral’s gonna be shit. Like, really shit.”
Will hesitated. “I could come with you. If you want me to.”
Jay froze, clearly conflicted.
“I wish you could,” he admitted with a sigh. “I do. But…”
“I know,” Will said gently. “Optics.”
Jay appeared to unclench, grateful to not have to explain.
“I’m still here though,” Will added, giving him another squeeze. “In whatever way you need me to be.”
“I know. Cheers.”
They sat like that for a while in comfortable silence, Jay’s head resting on Will’s shoulder as they watched the wind cast faint ripples across the pond’s surface. Eventually, Jay spoke again, steadier now.
“I wish you could’ve met her. She’d have liked you. Was well into her wine and old books, just like you. And she loved a game of Scrabble.”
Will smiled, glad to hear the humour return to Jay’s voice.
“Speaking of,” he said lightly, “I hear you used the word ‘capricious’ the other day.”
Jay let out a small laugh. “Si tell you that, did he?”
“Might have.”
“Did he also tell you he had to look up what it meant?”
“He did not.”
Jay snorted. “Fucking idiot.”
Will chuckled softly. Jay squeezed his hand.
“Thanks for coming.”
Will squeezed back.
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Jay.”
The day of the funeral was dry but overcast, the sky an unbroken sheet of cloud. Will stood dressed in black a short distance from the gravesite. Close enough to see, far enough not to intrude. Hiding behind a bush, like some sort of voyeuristic ninja.
He and Jay had agreed that it would have seemed weird for him to attend properly. But the idea of staying away entirely had felt weirder. So, despite feeling faintly ridiculous, here he was. Present, but firmly on the periphery.
He occasionally glanced down at the line of polished shoes gathered around the open earth, but for the most part his gaze remained fixed on Jay. He could tell Jay was working hard to keep it together, no doubt due to the looming presence of his father behind him. Jay’s face was solemn, his posture rigid. He looked older somehow. The well-fitted suit he was wearing only added to this illusion. Will couldn’t remember ever seeing Jay look so handsome…
He cringed, actively halting that line of thinking before it went anywhere inappropriate.
You are objectifying a grieving man at his grandmother’s graveside, he scolded himself. Pull yourself together, for God’s sake!
As though sensing the weight of Will’s attention, Jay glanced up. For a second, his expression was unreadable. Then he realised who the bespectacled face peeking out from behind a laurel bush belonged to. The tension in his features eased. He smiled, either amused or relieved - Will wasn’t sure which. Either way, Jay definitely seemed happy to see him.
The service concluded with the soft thud of earth on wood. Murmurs rose as mourners drifted away in small clusters. Jay lingered a moment, then looked across at Will again, giving him a barely perceptible nod. After a brief exchange with his parents, and a long hug with his mum, he turned to head towards Will’s hiding spot.
Mr Cartwright’s voice boomed after him, sharp and impatient. Will instinctively ducked further behind the bushes. He didn’t catch the exact words, but caught Jay rolling his eyes as he approached. Will stepped back deeper into the thick shrubbery, granting them a pocket of privacy. Jay reached him in a few quick strides.
“Hi,” Will greeted him softly. “I hope you don’t mind. I just wanted to-”
He didn’t get to finish. Jay caught him by the lapels, pushing him gently but firmly back against the nearest tree, kissing him with reckless urgency. Will’s surprise lasted all of a second before he melted into it, fingers displacing Jay’s neatly combed hair.
Jay pulled back just enough to grin. “What is it with you and cemeteries, eh?”
Slightly breathless, Will adjusted his skewed glasses. “What can I say? I have a penchant for headstones and pigeon shit.”
Jay laughed and leaned back in, meeting Will’s lips softer and slower this time. When they parted, he rested his forehead briefly against Will’s.
“Glad you’re here.”
Will ran his hands down Jay’s arms, subtly admiring him up close before checking himself once again. “How was it?”
“Nice. I mean, not ‘nice’ nice; we were burying my nan. But decent, as funerals go…” He grimaced. “There’s the wake now, but fuck going to that. Not after the way my dad’s just went on.”
“I take it he was his usual delightful self?”
Jay sighed, exasperated. “You have no idea, babe. He yawned. Actually fucking yawned, right in the middle of one of the speeches!”
Will frowned. “How very respectful.”
“I was gonna go along for Mum,” Jay continued. “But half the extended family’s been orbiting her today. I’ve barely had a look-in. She can do without me for a bit.”
“Good,” Will said, firm but quiet. “That means you can let someone else orbit you.” He paused, clocking the grin spreading across Jay’s face. “Preferably in a manner that won’t result in a public indecency charge?”
Jay laughed properly at that. “Alright. How ’bout a walk? Need to clear my head a bit.”
Will offered his hand without hesitation. “Done.”
Jay took it. Together they set off through the endless rows of headstones, their joined hands a small defiant source of warmth against a backdrop of grey.
“How’s your grandad doing?” Will asked.
“He’s fucked, to be honest. Like he doesn’t know what to do without her.”
“That’s understandable. How long were they together?”
“Ages. Got together when they were fifteen. In their seventies now.”
Will let out a low breath. “God. That’s a literal lifetime.”
“Yeah. I know some old people get sick of each other but stay together ’cos they need to, or out of habit. It wasn’t like that with them. They stuck with each other ’cos they wanted to. They were pretty different, but maybe that’s what made them strong. Filled in each other’s blanks. Helped each other grow. Kinda like…” He hesitated. “Like we do. In a way.”
Will felt the heat rise to his face.
This wasn’t the first time Jay had spoken about them like this. Like something real. Neil’s offhand comments about Jay’s mysterious ‘fit brunette’ drifted back to him. Jay hadn’t said his name, obviously. But he’d said enough. A clumsily planted seed, set to bloom when the time was right.
“Well,” Will said carefully, “they do say opposites attract.”
He heard Jay let out the breath he’d been holding, and felt his hand being squeezed as Jay continued.
“Before we left the house, Grandad was sat at our kitchen table, staring down at his shoes. Asked him if he was alright. He says, ‘Every day, that woman would nag me about leaving my shoes in the living room doorway. “Do you want me to break my neck on ’em?” she’d say. “Ooh, yes please,” I’d say. Then she’d throw a cushion at my head and we’d laugh ourselves silly… I’d give anything for her to nag me about those bloody shoes one last time.’”
Will blinked against the sudden sting in his eyes. “That might just be the most beautiful story I’ve ever heard about mislaid footwear. They sound lovely.”
“Yeah,” Jay let out a soft laugh. “They were a pair of characters. I could tell you stories.”
“I’d love to hear them.”
Before long, they had looped back around to the now deserted gravesite without really noticing. The fresh earth lay smooth now, flowers arranged along its length in neat rows of pale pink and white.
“Ooh,” Will piped up suddenly “That reminds me…”
He dropped Jay’s hand mid-thought, hurrying back towards the same laurel bush as before. Jay watched in fond amusement as he reappeared moments later, clutching a small bouquet of lilies.
“You been graverobbing again?”
Will shot him a wry look. “Of course. Nothing livens up a funeral quite like petty theft.”
He crouched and set the lilies carefully among the other tributes, adjusting them so they didn’t tip. He straightened, standing back to take in the engraving:
Lilian ‘Lily’ Buckley
Beloved Wife, Mum & Nan
As he returned to Jay’s side, he noticed Jay had gone very still. His expression had softened in a way he wasn’t trying to hide. They stood together in silence.
After a moment, Jay spoke again.
“This might just be the grief talking…”
“Yes?” Will prompted gently.
Jay gestured between them.
“This. Us. Being with a bloke an’ that… it still scares me sometimes.”
Will didn’t interrupt.
“D’ya know what scares me more though? Not having you at all. Don’t even wanna imagine that.”
“No,” Will said softly. “Neither do I.”
Jay stared at his nan’s headstone for a long moment.
“You know… if you’re still correcting my grammar when we’re seventy, I reckon I’d be alright about that.”
Will’s heart stuttered as he searched Jay’s face for a punchline. None came. Jay didn’t meet Will’s gaze, but was clearly trying to gauge his reaction out of the corner of his eye.
“Does that freak you out?” Jay asked quietly.
“The only thing that freaks me out is that I can’t think of anything witty to say in response to that.”
Jay smirked, clearly relieved.
“So, I’ll just say this,” Will continued. “At this moment in time, I’m really happy.”
Jay finally looked at him, feigning outrage. “You’re happy about my dead nan?”
Will snorted. “Not that part, obviously.”
They grinned at each other, the tension easing, before turning back to the grave. Jay cleared his throat deliberately, as if trying to ward off the weight of what he’d just said.
“It’s not like I’m proposing.”
“Of course not,” Will retorted. “A graveside proposal would be wildly inappropriate, even for us.”
Another quiet stretch followed before Jay broke it.
“Might do one day though.”
“I look forward to it. Might even say yes.”
“Hope so. Be pretty awkward if you didn’t.”
They fell silent again, wearing matching smiles. The exchange hadn’t felt as heavy as perhaps it should have. But really, they had all the time in the world to think about the future.
For now, it was just them, side by side in the present, bidding a peaceful farewell to Jay’s dear old nan.