Archive of Our Own

The first time Kirishima thought something might be different was when he saw a porn video. He had been staying over at his friends’ house during middle school, when Tomo suddenly looked at him with a mischievous grin.

“Dude, I found this totally awesome website.” He said, conspiratorially. Eijirou blinked.

“Awesome how?” he said, slightly wary. Tomo could be a bit… wild sometimes. Tomo’s grin got wider and he scooted closer until he was right next to Eijirou’s ear.

“Porn,” he whispered. Eijirou turned red.

“Oh. Oh, uh, wow, yeah, uhm… t-tell me what it’s called I can look it up when I get ho-”

“Dude, c’mon! I have headphones, we can look at it, like, right now!” Eijirou felt an uncomfortable squirming in his gut.

“Y-you wanna look at porn… together?” he said, wishing he was anywhere but here. Tomo rolled his eyes.

“Dude, everyone does that. You can make fun of like, the stupid titles or the overblown acting. Come on, don’t be such a pussy.” And he turned away, getting his laptop. Eijirou kept sitting rooted to his spot, unable to form a response that wouldn’t sound like him chickening out.

Tomo set up the PC, then handed one end of his headphones to Kirishima, who reluctantly put it in.

The sight appeared, flashing a ‘You must be 18 or older’ sign on the top. Tomo just clicked okay without a second thought. Kirishima swallowed.

“What… what If someone catches us? We’re not supposed to…”

Tomo impatiently clicked his tongue. “Jesus, Kirishima, you’re such a wuss. Who would catch us? My parents are at that stupid opera, we could watch this on loud, and no one would know, now stop complaining.”

Kirishima snapped his mouth shut, feeling stupid and ashamed. He really was a coward…

The site filled with videos. He saw breast and dicks, and it made his stomach squirm even more.

“Oh, this one’s really good!” Tomo said and clicked on a video titled “Big busted brunette gets her pussy destroyed by black cock!”

It was the most uncomfortable thing Kirishima had ever experienced. He hated seeing it on screen. But most of all, it made him conscious of the fact that Tomo was clearly reacting to it, his eyes shining and a flush creeping up his face.

Meanwhile, nothing was happening for Kirishima except that he felt nauseous.

When the video was over, Tomo closed the laptop and grinned.

“Wicked, huh?”

Kirishima just nodded and said nothing when Tomo excused himself to the bathroom. He just sat on the bed, hugging his knees and hoping that squirming feeling in his gut would go away.

He got more and more confused over the next year. Tomo wasn’t the only one, almost all the boys seemed to talk about porn at some point or another. Maybe… maybe it had just been the atmosphere, doing it together with someone else. Yeah. Maybe that was just it.

So, feeling trepidation in his chest, he fired up his PC one night in his room, searching for the site Tomo had shown him. His stomach twisted as he pressed okay on the You must be 18 or older sign.

“It’s gonna be fine, no one will catch you…” he whispered more to himself than anyone else.

The site greeted him again with all its vulgar and crass titles of pussies being destroyed and big cocks and he felt more and more uncomfortable.

Finally, he landed on something that he thought might work.

Lovers sex in moonlight, crying on big cock, big boobs blonde. Not the most eloquent, but maybe it was less… heated than the one Tomo had shown him.

It was. The scene was set much more gently and so was the sex.

And Kirishima felt nothing but slight nausea.

He tried another video. And another. And another.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Nothing but his stomach twisting in knots and his dick steadfastly refusing to go anywhere.

And it wasn’t as if he never had a boner before. Honestly, it was kind of annoying that it sometimes just popped up without any rhyme or reason. Eijirou didn’t like dealing with it, plus, half the time he was at school so that wasn’t an option anyway.

But even when it happened at home, he just tried to ignore it.

He had masturbated a few times and there was a tiny point where it felt good, the climax itself, but afterwards, Eijirou just felt empty and sad and icky and he just wanted to forget it ever happened.

The first time he stumbled across fanfictions was after he finished his favorite anime. It had been so good, and the ending was great, but he needed more! Eijirou took to forums, gushing about how much he missed the characters, when he saw one answer.

FF? What was that? Maybe there was some extra material he wasn’t aware off.

Eijirou stared. Other people wrote their own stuff? Was that even allowed? Curious, he clicked on the link, landing on a website called “Archive of Our Own”.

Fujoshi27 had been right, there were so many stories for his anime! He blinked though, as he realized that lots of them seemed to be romance stories, not about the main character and his girlfriend (well, probably girlfriend, that really was one of those plot threads that could’ve used a bit more work…) but the protagonist and his rival. His male rival.

Eijirou felt his face heat up. He wasn’t bigoted, being gay was just as manly as being straight, he just… didn’t know what to do with that. But apparently the highest rated story in their fandom was about them and it was rated E for everyone, so might as well give it a go…

During the next half hour, Eijirou learned a few thing in rapid succession.

One: E did not stand for Everyone.

Two: People went into a lot of detail in fanfiction

Three: This romance was better than the one in the main series had ever been

And most importantly four: For the first time in his life, Eijirou felt aroused.

His heart was pounding. This time he knew why his dick was hard and it didn’t feel that terrible… though he still didn’t want to touch it. He wanted to keep this feeling, this… strange new world.

He read another. And another. And another.

He did masturbate in the end, but he regretted it, because that same empty feeling returned right after and he suddenly didn’t feel like reading more.

His head swirled. Was he gay? Maybe… but the porn he watched always had men in them too… maybe he was a bottom?

Determined to get to the root of his problem, he opened his laptop and typed gay porn into the search bar, his face heating up.

It quickly became transparent that that was not it.

Two guys didn’t do anything more than a guy and a girl. He sighed and closed the laptop. None of this made sense to him, but right now, there wasn’t really anything he could do, so he decided to put it off for another day and go to sleep.

As he drifted off, his mind swirling with more questions than answers, he nonetheless felt like he had made a step in the right direction, even if he didn’t know what direction that was.

The first time Eijirou realized his crush was shortly after the Sportsfestival. The way Bakugo had given it his all, the way he was fired up… granted, maybe he should work on his loser (winner?) face a bit, but still, that passion was so manly!

Eijirou realized that it might be more than just a simple crush when Bakugo was taken from their midst. When his chest burned with a pain he had never experienced, when all he could think was to get him back at all costs.

Nothing would ever compare to the feeling of relief and joy he felt when Bakugo’s hand landed in his and he carried him away, to safety.

And then the dorms. Living right next to each other! Eijirou was elated and terrified, because Bakugo was still pretty intimidating and there was no way Eijirou could confess, especially not with everything going on… later. He would do it later, when they had more time.

Later almost never happened. Eijirou nearly threw up when he heard what happened during the Shigaraki fight. Bakugo died. He died. Eijirou thought he had felt pain when Bakugo was kidnapped, but it was nothing to the roiling terror in his gut at the thought that he almost never saw him again.

It took three weeks for Bakugo to return to U.A. And when he did, Eijirou went to his dorm room right away.

“Hey B-Bakugo? I need to tell you something…”

He was scared. Because there was still a good chance that Bakugo would reject him. But he couldn’t let that hold him back. Being manly meant doing things, even when you’re scared of them.

“What, Shitty Hair, spit it out, I’m fucking tired.” Bakugo was wearing his usual scowl and for some reason, it set Eijirou at ease, because that was the Bakugo he knew, the one he loved.

“I… listen, I just need to tell you, okay, but you don’t… you don’t have to give me an answer, or you can just tell me to fuck off, I just… I need to tell you. I can’t… I can’t go on with no telling you…”

Bakugo’s eyes narrowed. “The fuck are you rambling about, Kirishima? Spit it out or I’ll beat it out of you,” he griped and Eijirou laughed, though it came out rather shaky.

“Yeah, yeah, right, sorry… I… I love you, Bakugo. And I don’t expect anything back, I just.. I need you to know, because… because… because you died and I never told you and I realized if… if you had… if you never woke up again… I would never have said it, I would never… I always thought there would be time later…” his eyes filled with tears as the weight of the truth crashed over him once more and he couldn’t look at Bakugo as he tried desperately to get himself under control.

There was rustling as Bakugo stood up. Eijirou swallowed.

“You mean that?”

Eijirou blinked, looking up at Bakugou’s face, half hidden under the bandage over his right eye. But he nodded. “I m-mean it. I love you.” He said, his voice only wobbling slightly.

Bakugo let out his breath, as if he had been holding tension this whole time. And then he kissed Eijirou.

Eijriou’s eyes widened. When Bakugo drew back, he stared at him, his mind filled with questions and static at the same time.

“Oh,” was all he could say. Then: “Can you do it again?”

Bakugo snorted, but he leaned back in and Eijirou smiled too, carefully wrapping his arms around Bakugo, so as to not hurt his injured arm, kissing him and feeling like the sun was shining brighter in the sky with every moment.

Being with Katsuki was nice. So nice. Eijirou loved cuddling and holding hands and kissing. He loved lying in bed with him and feeling his body against Eijirou’s.

He also liked being skin to skin, letting his hand roam over Katsuki’s chest, having Katsuki touch him.

To a certain degree.

It was easier to avoid when Katsuki was still healing. Eijirou just smiled and quickly told him he didn’t want to overexert Katsuki.

But that dread feeling in his stomach was back. Every time they touched a bit more intimately, every time he felt Katsuki’s hands roam towards his lower half, he felt that squirming unease.

He thought it would be different. Katsuki wasn’t just some porn actor on a screen, he was real. And he was the man that Eijirou loved. He thought… he thought things would change. That love would change them.

But it was still the same. Sometimes his cock reacted when Katsuki touched him, but it never felt… good. Just empty. A physical reaction, yes, but not that feeling he thought was going to happen.

That feeling he had read about so much.

Where was the heat? That lust that made you unable to control yourself? Where was the need to touch or to suck Katsuki’s cock or… anything?

Why wasn’t there anything?

And Katsuki was getting better, which was good, of course, but it also meant Eijirou was running out of excuses, out of time. Surely Katsuki expected this to happen eventually. He was a healthy young man, wanting sex was natural.

It as just Eijirou who was all wrong.

He wasn’t proud of what he did. It felt wrong, but he didn’t know what else to do. Katsuki had been getting better and better and his hands had started to wander, he clearly wanted it and Eijirou just needed to get there.

So no, he wasn’t proud of it, but he read one of the more erotic fanfictions right before going to Katsuki’s room. It didn’t do as much as it should, probably because he was so nervous, but it did something. Now, he just needed to take that feeling over to Katsuki.

As soon as Katsuki opened the door, Eijirou was on him, kissing him, pushing him back towards the bed.

“Woah, Ei, what… oof.” Katsuki blinked at him confused, but Eijirou was desperate, he needed to be quick about it, because he could already feel it dissipating, already leaving… should he imagine the scenes from the fanfiction? But that would be… wouldn’t that be like cheating? Thinking of other guys while he was with Katsuki, even if they weren’t real…

“Damn, Ei, if I’d known you were this eager I’d have jumped you weeks ago…” Katsuki’s growl wrenched Eijirou out of his spiral, Katsuki was touching him now, roaming his chest, pinching his nipples, touching his cock…

Eijriou’s world got blurry, and all he could think was stop, please, stop, as the feeling vanished into nothing and all that was left was the coil of shame and nausea and the rising dread that he wasn’t able to give Katsuki anything…

“Fuck, Ei… Ei what’s wrong, shit, did… did I hurt you? Shit, Ei… we don’t have to do anything, I just thought… stop crying, c’mon, I’m really sorry…”

Crying. Oh, okay, that explained the blurry. He was crying. And he made Katsuki feel bad about it too. He was the shittiest boyfriend alive.

“S’not y-your fault, s’not… m’sorry, s-sorry, Kats, I th-thought… I thought I could d-do it…” Eijirou tried to get himself under control and he felt Katsuki’s hand soothing on his back.

“Right, okay, hey, it’s okay, just… c’mere, lets just lay down, okay, just…”

Eijirou shook with suppressed sobs as Katsuki pulled him onto the bed, laying down beside him. A gentle hand wiped tears from his cheek.

“Ei, you know we don’t have to do anything if you’re not ready, right? There’s no need to rush, it’s okay…”

“I’ll never be ready.” The words felt so bitter as they left Eijirou’s mouth. Katsuki fell silent. Eijirou swallowed. He knew Katsuki had meant it kindly. Thinking Eijirou just needed time, he didn’t want to pressure him. But behind it swung the unspoken assumption that Eijirou would be ready, someday.

And he couldn’t keep leading Katsuki on about that.

“Oh, uh… okay. So, uhm… you think you’re not… actually gay, then?” There was something strained in Katsuki’s voice and Eijirou blinked, sniffing.

“Not… gay?” He echoed, confused about the direction. Katsuki blew out a long breath.

“Listen it’s… fuck, I didn’t… It’s fine, okay, if you don’t… I shouldn’t have kissed you first, I shouldn’t have assumed, just…”

Eijirou’s brain was trying to play catch up when it suddenly clicked.

Katsuki thought he was into girls.

“No, that’s not it!” He needed to make him understand, make him understand that it wasn’t him, that it was Eijirou, it was all on Eijirou, not on Katsuki, just…

“It’s not… I’m not into girls… either, I just… I thought… I thought it was supposed to work! I love you, I know I do and I thought that would mean it would happen and it’s not and I don’t understand and you’ll think I don’t want you anymore and that’s not true and I want to want you, I want that but it’s just not…”

Hands grabbed his face and Katsuki forced him to look into his eyes.

“Oi. Oi! Slow down, okay, I’m only getting half of that. What’s supposed to work? If you’re not into girls, then what… oh.”

Eijirou tried to turn his face away, but Katsuki still held him steady, even though his face had taken on a far away, contemplative look.

“You’re not feeling it… for anyone, do you?”

Eijirou’s lip wobbled again. Katsuki’s eyes widened.

“Oi, stop crying, that wasn’t… I didn’t mean that as an accusation or some shit, there’s nothing to cry about!” But Eijirou shook his head, his cheeks still squished between Katsuki’s hands.

“S’not okay, though, I’m all wrong, and I should be able to feel it for you, and I just want to be… I want to be what you need and I can’t…!”

“Shut up.” Katsuki’s voice had taken that dangerous tone he had when he got actually seriously angry. Eijirou hiccupped. This was it. Katsuki was gonna tell them they were done, that he couldn’t do this…!

“Who the fuck said you’re wrong, huh?”

Eijirou sniffed and blinked. Katsuki was still scowling, but Eijirou could see him taking deep breaths. Oh. He was doing that anger management thing. He was getting so much better at it, Eijirou was really proud.

“Okay, fuck… listen, just… listen to me, okay? You’re not wrong. Nothing you feel is wrong. And if you say you don’t want this, then that’s that. I’m not touching you in any way that makes you uncomfortable, Ei. Ever.”

Eijirou sniffed, but the coil in his chest seemed to unravel the tiniest bit.

“But… you want to. I know, I mean I can feel…”

“So?” Katsuki rolled his eyes. “You think I’m a slave to my damn libido? That’s what my hand is for. Or I’ll just get a damn sleeve. What you think I’m gonna fucking break up with you cause you won’t have sex with me?”

Eijirou tried to look away, but Katsuki gently headbutted him.

“The hair dye really has seeped into your brain if you think that, Shitty Hair.” He growled and Eijirou couldn’t help but laugh. For a few long moments, they lay, looking at each other in silence.

“Can I ask about it?”

Eijirou cocked his head. “Ask about what?”

Katsuki blushed. “Just… can I ask about… how you feel and… stuff.”

Eijirou couldn’t help but grin a bit. “Yeah, ask away.” He smiled. He felt… lighter, somehow.

“You never felt anything?”

Eijirou shrugged. “Not for people, no. I had morning wood and the occasional out of nowhere boner, but nothing that would… correlate, so to speak.” He said and felt himself going red.

“Not for… people?” Katsuki echoed and Eijirou felt the heat creep higher.

“S’not… you’ll think I’m creepy…” he mumbled. Katsuki furrowed his brow.

“Are you into animals?” he said and Eijirou’s eyes widened before he jumped up.

“What? Oh, god, no!”

Katsuki grinned. “Okay, Rockbrain, calm down, I’m just tryna figure out what’s going on.”

Eijirou shook himself. Katsuki tugged on his arm, demanding him to lay down again. Eijirou did so with a sigh.

“It’s not… real people.  It’s uh… stories. Written ones. They can… do it for me.” He mumbled. Katsuki hummed.

“Only fictional?” Eijirou nodded, feeling miserable.

“I tried, I… that’s what I did… before I came here. I thought if I, y’know… got myself going, then maybe… maybe I could carry it over, but… but it just didn’t…” he felt that dread again, but a gentle kiss stopped his spiral.

“Oi. No more apologies.” Then Katsuki’s eyes widened. “Shit, kissing, do you even…?”

Eijirou nodded quickly, kissing Katsuki back.

“I do, I really do, Kissing is great, please don’t stop.” He saw Katsuki relax again.

“No, course not, I just… did… did I ever do something you didn’t… want?” He asked and there was something constricted in his voice. Eijirou felt the sadness well up again.

“No.” he said gently, now taking Katsuki’s face in his hands instead.

“You never pushed farther than I was willing to go. I like… touch. Like, on my chest. Not… not my nipples, though and not my… my d-dick.” He felt self-conscious, saying it, but Katsuki kissed him again.

“Good, that’s good to know. Do you like touching me?”

Eijirou nodded. Then he hesitated. “I… don’t know If I like touching your… dick, though.” Katsuki grinned at the way Eijirou was still squirming to say the word.

“That’s fine. If you ever want to try out, we can. But if you don’t like it, nothing’s wrong with that. If you ever want to try anything, say so.”

Eijirou sniffed, then he leaned his forehead against Katsuki’s.

“You’re a pretty amazing boyfriend, you know that?” he said softly. Katsuki snorted.

“Course I am. I’m number one, remember?”

Eijirou laughed, snuggling into Katsuki, listening to the soothing sound of his heartbeat and thinking that maybe things weren’t as dire as they looked at first.

Plus, he wasn’t alone. And as long as he wasn’t alone, he could do anything.