Chapter Text
Shane was comfortable down here. He was happy. He was safe.
The last bit of tension left his body and his eyes drifted closed as he sighed around the heavy weight against his tongue. The sensation of being filled combined with the scent of musk and light soap made Shane delirious, not even the sound of scribbling interspersed with the occasional typing could coax him from the dreamlike state he was in.
What could was his own greed. Because Shane wanted more. He leaned forward, chasing the scent… chasing the weight.
The subtle shift brought some awareness back to his body. Shane concentrated on breathing through his nose, regaining the steady rhythm he'd had just seconds before. He shifted his weight and he felt the cushion beneath him molding around the new position of his bare ass. Spots of coolness providing a balm to the fading bruises—an impression of a hand among the collection.
Remembering how exactly he had earned those marks, Shane groaned. Unable to help the spike of arousal he shifted again, this time to press against himself in an effort to stave off the growing need. Shane groaned again, quieter than before, lower.
Shane felt the cock in his mouth begin to swell.
The sounds above him ceased, and a strained voice broke the silence.
"Remember Hollander, two steady taps—use it if you need to. Otherwise you do as I say. You will not get me hard. You will only keep me warm. Blink twice if you understand."
Shane looked up at his boss with tear-filled eyes. He blinked twice.
"Хороший мальчик (Good boy)."
The voices of a hundred and fifty plus guests threatened to break Shane Hollander's resolve for surviving the rest of his day. He willed his face to remain neutral, managing to soften the knot between his brows, and reminded himself to breathe.
Inhale for five seconds. Hold. Exhale for seven seconds.
Shane repeated his paced breathing until his heartbeat slowed and the nausea lessened. He couldn't afford to cause a scene and lose the contents of his lunch in front of his parents. If he did, Shane was certain his mom would only try to persuade him into eating more during dinner to make up the deficit. It was nearly impossible to say no to Yuna Hollander and Shane gnawed on his bottom lip at the thought of being forced to deviate from his carefully planned meal.
Just four more hours until he could leave.
No. That wasn't entirely true. Shane could leave anytime. It was more like four more hours until he was scheduled to leave. Nine o'clock was the curfew he set for himself.
For his best friend's wedding.
Shane has known Hayden since he was five. Growing up first as friendly neighbors, they didn't become close until years later when they joined the same hockey team. They wound up living together at university, and with them both juggling hockey and working toward a Bachelor of Science degree—Hayden in nursing and Shane in bio-medical science—most of their waking hours had been spent in each other's company either practicing, studying, or just hanging-out. It was only because of his love for his friend, and by extension Jackie, Shane even made the effort to come today.
A particularly shrill laugh from his left pierced through Shane's thoughts. The tension between his brows returned and Shane clenched his jaw. Damn, the noise was overwhelming. The whole venue was overwhelming. Shane could still feel the impression of anxiety swirling low in his gut, unable to be fully controlled with paced breathing alone.
Shane could see the newlyweds from the table he shared with his parents. The near-empty table was an accommodation—an extra expense—and was located along the edge of the seating area. It was also close to the walking path for an easy exit. Another accommodation.
Shane suppressed a sigh.
Hayden and Jackie were making their rounds through the venue, greeting guests before dinner was served. Shane picked at the cuffs of his navy suit and tried to remember his cope ahead skills as he waited for them to reach the Hollander table.
You can do this. You planned for this. Just four more hours.
"Honey, are you okay?" A warm hand landed on his own, stopping him from pulling at the now exposed thread of his sleeve.
"I'm fine." Shane's tone said otherwise.
His mom's brows pinched together in concern. "It's okay if you're not. Hayden will understand if you need to leave. Your dad is happy to take you home, right David?"
The look she gave his dad conveyed he didn't have a choice in the matter.
"Your mom's right, bud." David gave a nod and a small smile, but did not reach out to touch Shane. His dad had always been better than Yuna at reading when Shane needed space, though sometimes that skill bordered on avoidance. Shane wondered why he couldn't have inherited more agreeable traits from his parents.
"She can stay with the Pikes and we can make a sneaky getaway," his dad continued.
Of course his mom would stay, the Pikes were family friends and she had helped with some of the wedding planning. Yuna even worked last minute with Hayden and the caterers to ensure Shane's needs were met so he could be a guest—even after Shane had insisted accommodations weren't necessary. Shane didn't expect anything less from his mom; she wasn't about to leave the wedding early after all the effort.
"I said I'm fine."
Shane didn't mean to snap, but the thought of inconveniencing his parents, especially his mom, more than he already had, only added kindling to the fire that was his anger and shame.
Fuck. Now the shame grew to include his snappy tone. It was an unfortunate cycle. One Shane was still working on.
Yuna looked like she was about to argue, but the appearance of Hayden and Jackie arm-in-arm at their table stopped her.
They made an attractive couple. Hayden was in a rust colored suit and matching bow tie. Shane remembered the way he had whined at his fitting over looking like a boy playing dress-up, but Jackie had a vision, and insisted Hayden would look good for their early fall wedding. (Shane thought they had both been right.) Jackie wore a flowing cream colored dress and her long dark hair, curled and left down, caught the sun and glittered with each movement. Shane wasn't attracted to women, but he couldn't deny Jackie looked radiant.
Hayden greeted Shane with hug and clap on his back. He was one of the few people whose touch Shane could tolerate—sometimes. Jackie smiled at him and squeezed his hand in greeting. Even though he liked Jackie very much, she was still a newer acquaintance, so he was very appreciative of her thoughtfully holding back from a hug of her own.
Shane and his parents offered the newlyweds their congratulations. After all the pleasantries were exchanged, Jackie pulled up a chair and proceeded to engage his parents in conversation, gushing over the earlier ceremony and singing Yuna's praises, leaving Hayden to deal with Shane.
"Let's go for a walk." Hayden nodded in the direction of the gardens surrounding part of the property. Shane returned the nod, grateful for any chance to get farther away from the noise, and followed.
Once they made it past the majority of the guests—only stopping once as a wandering guest offered Hayden their congratulations—Hayden slowed his pace and began conversation.
"I really appreciate you being here. The day wouldn't be the same without my best man."
"You should have just replaced me," Shane said quietly, not wanting to dwell on why he needed replacing in the first place.
"No chance. You're irreplaceable. Even Jackie agrees. She told me so when she thought I was going ask J.J. to step-up—which, for the record, I wasn't planning to do." Hayden hastily added.
"Speaking of J.J., where is he?" Shane asked, stuffing his thumbs in pockets and looking around as if he was suddenly going to spot J.J. in one of the bushes. J.J., a close friend from university and one of the most charismatic people Shane has met, was nearly a foot taller than Hayden and was as likely to stealthily fit in one of the bushes as Shane was able to grow a full beard.
"He's around here somewhere. He and my mom broke into the alcohol early. I'm honestly surprised we haven't heard him yet."
"Yeah, I guess even someone as big as J.J. can get lost here. This place is huge… and loud." Shane internally winced. He hadn't meant to mention the last part, so of course Hayden latched on to the topic.
"It is. I'm sorry about that. How're you holding up?"
"I'm fine." He answered for the second time in twenty minutes.
Shane stiffened. He had been hoping to avoid this turn in conversation. "I have a plan. My parents are helping. Food's taken care of. All good." He elaborated curtly.
"Please tell me if you need anything—"
"Hayd, it's your wedding day. I'm not going to bother you."
"I don't care. Jackie understands. You come find me anytime."
"Okay, I will." Shane most definitely would not.
Thankfully the smile on Hayden's face said he believed Shane's lie—more kindling for the fire.
"How long are you planning on staying?" Hayden asked.
"A few more hours. I'll be here through the dinner."
"Great! I'll try and track you down before you leave. I'm proud of you for coming today. It means a lot to me."
"I'm glad I came too." His own struggles aside, Shane meant it. He didn't want to imagine the guilt he'd feel if he let Hayden or either of their families down by not showing up today.
With a bright smile that Shane felt like he didn't deserve, Hayden playfully ruffled Shane's hair before continuing their walk.
They ended up doing a quick loop around part of the gardens before heading back to the table. During the walk, Hayden had caught Shane up on his new job at a nearby clinic. The pay was okay, the hours were better, and Hayden had been able to negotiate a start date after his honeymoon. (Hayden and Jackie were spending a few days at a local spa, preferring to save money to buy a house instead of traveling.) Shane tried to ignore the sour taste in his mouth when he thought of another friend moving on to the next stage in their life while he stayed rooted in place, plans derailed by his own health.
He was only mildly successful.
Shane received a welcome surprise in the form of his other best friend, Rose, arriving fashionably late shortly after dinner. He was standing now, a bit a ways away from the crowd, observing the dancing party guests. J.J. had been keeping him company for a bit, but then he too went off to dance and was currently dancing with Jackie's sister in the middle of the dance floor.
"Shane!" Rose greeted him, wrapping him in a tight hug. Even though she was petite, Rose was deceptively strong, but the pressure around his middle felt good. It was always easy to welcome affection from her.
"Rose, what are you doing here? I thought you said you couldn't make it."
"I wasn't sure I'd be able to but I talked to Hayden and Jackie and asked if I could be squeezed back in as your plus one for the reception. I wanted to be here to support you. And the happy couple of course."
"Of course." And because Shane was still struggling to accept help from others, he hastily added, "you didn't have to come out here for me."
"No, but I wanted to. I love you." Rose immediately countered. "I just didn't want to say anything in case it didn't work out. My agency has my schedule booked down to the minute, I swear."
"How long will you be in town?"
"Only until the morning then I'm heading over to see my parents. They'd be hurt if they knew I was in the country and didn't visit."
Rose's family lived a few hours away in London, but she was pursing modeling after completing her degree. She had been stateside for the last few months after signing with an agency shortly after graduation and was already a bit of a local celebrity after having appeared in a few ads. Last he heard, her social media following was steadily growing. Unfortunately Shane hadn't been able to keep tabs on her success without his phone.
"They'll be happy to have you home. How're your brothers doing?"
"Eh, forget about them." Rose said with a dismissive wave. "I want to dance! Shane Hollander would you care to join me?"
Even with the enthusiasm broadcast strongly over her face, Rose didn't drag him to the dance floor. Instead, she extended her arm and waited patiently for his answer.
With a playful roll of his eyes, Shane reluctantly agreed, if only to keep Rose happy. He'd feel terribly if she traveled all this way just to stand around with him for a few hours. Rose forced them through the other guests to join J.J. and Jackie's sister—Shane really needed to learn her name—and they tried their best to keep up. Despite J.J.'s massive frame, he was surprisingly coordinated, and he moved smoothly to each song.
They didn't dance together for long. Shane enjoyed himself but he was easily overwhelmed, especially in the center of the crowd. He saw his opening, when J.J. yelled out he needed a break, and Rose took over dancing with Jackie's sister.
Shane followed J.J. to the open bar where he grabbed a beer while Shane stuck with water, and they went to sit at one of the many vacant tables. The guests having migrated after dinner.
"Famous Rose Landry." J.J. began in French. "Can't believe she made it."
"Me neither. Happy she's here."
J.J. let out a low whistle that Shane interpreted as agreement.
After a few seconds and a swig of his beer, J.J. asked, "you doing okay?"
"I'm fine." Maybe if Shane said it enough times and in another language it would come true.
"Good. You gave us a real scare before and we're glad you're here. Just making sure nothing else happens. Hayden and Jackie have enough going on today."
"Uh-huh." Shane didn't like the direction of this conversation.
"Hayd's already been checking on you a lot when he should be enjoying himself, you know?" J.J. said nonchalantly, eyes on the dance floor.
"Yup." There was a sting behind his eyes and Shane pulled at his lashes to distract himself from the feeling.
"You can come to me if you need anything—give Pike a break for the rest of the night."
J.J. didn't add anything else, and Shane wondered if he could feel the uncomfortable shift in the silence. Probably not since J.J. continued to watch the dance floor with a lazy grin on his face like nothing was wrong.
And nothing was wrong. Shane was the one that couldn't keep it together. Shane felt the sting behind his eyes grow hot, and he was unable to distract himself from the feeling any longer. "I'm going to get some more water."
Not bothering to stick around to inevitably hear J.J. point out his full glass, Shane bolted to the edge of the venue closest to the nearby woods. He needed air that wasn't choking with the smell of alcohol, flowers and whatever scents the guests had doused themselves in.
Shane knew J.J. was a good friend and meant well, but sometimes his words could come out harsh when his emotions ran high or in today's case, when alcohol was involved. And today, J.J. had tactlessly poked at an insecurity. That Shane's mental health was a burden to those around him.
He made sure he was out of sight of the other guests before he leaned against a tree, pushing his back into the bark to anchor himself in the sharp digging sensation. The tears that threatened to pool before now flowed freely down hot cheeks.
Why couldn't he function like normal?
It was a few months ago, during exam week, when it happened. Thankfully he'd been at home and not in a locker room when he collapsed after a hot shower. Hayden was the one to find him after hearing him hit the ground from a room away and placed the call for emergency services. Once he was hospitalized, it was discovered that Shane had fainted due to being severely dehydrated and malnourished and after a psychological evaluation, he was admitted to inpatient care for orthorexia and anxiety.
The loss of control had been humiliating.
Eight weeks later Shane was discharged, and, after being granted special permission to make up his last two exams, was able to complete his undergrad degree. Now, nearly two months after being discharged, Shane was about to finish an eight week intensive outpatient program though he would continue with a slew of other appointments including weekly therapy visits and meeting monthly with a dietician and psychiatrist. His recovery has been a long and painfully slow process and days like today, that deviated from his routine, were especially difficult.
Shane loved his family and friends, but their worry only made him feel indebted to them for their help. They shouldn't be burdened by his mistakes.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve to be taken care of.
Shane pushed back against the tree even more and let out a small sob. More out of frustration than anything else. Maybe one day, he could think the words with actual conviction.
"Honey, how'd class go today?"
"It was okay."
"Did you report out how well you did at the wedding?"
"No."
"Oh, I wish you had. You should be proud of how well you did."
Shane didn't think he did well at all. Sure he made it all the way to his self-imposed curfew, but he still had his moment in the woods after the conversation with J.J., and after did his best to avoid everyone but Rose for fear they'd see the evidence on his face. She had been nice enough not to mention anything.
"It's fine."
On top of his shame over the wedding, Shane was feeling increasingly suffocated. He loved his mom, but Yuna was overly invested in his recovery to the point that he felt five years old again. Shane didn't want to disappoint her, but he also didn't want her so involved. His recovery felt incredibly personal to him and he hated discussing anything that wasn't absolutely necessary to share.
At least his dad was more quiet in his support. Shane didn't think he could cope with two fretting parents.
"Well since it's you last week with IOP, there are a few other programs I've been looking into. They have a drop in session next week for some healthy cooking classes. I know we're working with Dr. Bellamy, but she mentioned potentially exploring other cuisines to find what you like, and we could do these classes—"
"Thanks mom, but I think I'm going to pass. I was actually thinking of volunteering again."
Shane saw the worry on her face. The widening of her eyes, the tilt of her brows, the rapid blinking, Shane inherited the same tells.
"Do you think now is the right time?"
"If I'm not going to school, I want to at least gain experience. I wouldn't do anything crazy though. I still have appointments to juggle. Perhaps maybe even a job. Something part-time?" Shane didn't know why he was posing it as a question. He was a 22 year old university graduate. He could get a job if he wanted to.
And Shane did want to. Maybe if he had his own income, no matter how small, and his own schedule separate from his parents, he might feel a little better. At least, Shane hoped so.
"Part-time might work, but you know you can take it easy."
"I know, but I want to do this."
"Okay, honey. I support you."
Shane did not currently have a phone. In fact he hasn't had one in four months. It had been advised as part of his discharge plan to hold off on having it returned due to the easy access to triggers. So instead, his parents were holding it hostage until the end of the week, when he'd be discharged from outpatient care.
This meant rather than searching online for work, Shane had to dig through the local newspaper he fished out of the recycling bin. He was almost certain the physical publication was being kept afloat by his dad's lone subscription.
Shane brought the paper back to his room and was currently hunched over his desk perusing job listings, hoping to find one for a part-time position with little to no experience necessary.
Since he had dedicated his focus toward hockey and his school work during his teenage years, Shane hasn't had a real paying job before. His only prior experience was dog walking for his neighbor when he was 15, but the neighbor since passed, so Shane couldn't use her as a reference. And he wasn't sure if the volunteer work he did for the local animal shelter in college would count since it wasn't a paying job.
Shane had started volunteering after realizing he wanted to pursue becoming a veterinarian. He'd never considered himself an animal person before, but when his university brought in therapy dogs to help with exam week during his first year, Shane quickly realized he was a dog person, even preferring them over most people. Shane hadn't been able to name it at the time, but the dogs helped soothe his anxiety. Too bad the university hadn't brought them back. Shane could have benefited from the therapy dogs this last year.
Maybe one day, once he was settled, he could get a dog. He smiled to himself as he imagined walking a dog with floppy ears in the warm sun.
Despite his lack of work experience and references, there were some listings that could potentially work. The problem was, Shane would rather not work in the food industry. It might be too much of a risk at the moment with his recovery.
But there was one listing that caught Shane's eye, it was tucked into an inner corner along the seam of the paper, no photo and text smaller than anything else on the page that he almost missed it.
Shane reached for his glasses to read the listing.
SECRETARY
Secretary wanted for Law Office.
Part-time Hours, Typing Skills Mandatory
1410 Arcturus Ave, Walk-ins Welcome