Archive of Our Own

Shane couldn't breath. He kept trying to get air into his lungs but he just couldn't manage that. Couldn't quite get there. His eyes were misty and his breath shallow, and his chest tight and his hands were shaking and it might not be the first time he felt that, it was worse than the past. The world around him kept spinning and standing too still at the same time. He knew cognitively what to do. Count a number, try to identify items around him, go somewhere safe and have a meltdown when you are alone and safe and alone. He was alone. He didn't feel alone. The walls were coming closer and closer and his mind was not his own anymore. So many thoughts , he couldn't focus on one, on one path, focus on something…He should focus. He should breath. He doesn't think he can. Everything is so quite. And so loud.

His phone kept ringing and ringing and the notifications going off every few minutes but he couldn't bring himself to look. He thought if he looked , then he would make it real. More real than it was already. More real than a picture of him kissing a hooded figure at his front door, that was currently going viral on social media. Because that figure is definitely a man, and is Shane Hollander gay?

The sound of the doorbell echoed through the apartment, persistent and loud with each press of the little button. Shane could hear his mom's voice looking for him, asking if he was inside. His mother was here. His mother was on the other side of the door.

Oh god…

His parents. His parents know that he kissed a man. They know that he lied to them. That every time they asked about a girl or a special someone he kept lying to them. Shane feels his stomach turning inside out, he thinks he is going to vomit. He can't face them. Not right now. How can he look them in the eyes after all of those years? Because even though they don't know how long, he knows. He knows each time he mislead them, each time he choose not to share his life, his love, his…Ilya.

The door barely opens up, before Yuna rushed in, stopping short at the entrance. David right behind her, already shifting to take his shoes off, looks at Shane with the same careful look, with the same love, the same fear, he carried all these years as he watched his son grow up and struggle with the world around him.

"Shane, honey…" her voice reaches Shane's ears, soft and mellow, calm. Too calm for Yuna Hollander.

She can see her mouth moving but he can't his brain isn't processing the words. Her face is tight, her eyes crinkled at the end and her forehead has this little lines she gets every time she worries. She takes a step towards him and that all Shane need to get moving. Not to her. Away from here. He takes a step back, then another and suddenly his body remembers how to move and the next thing he knows, he is up the stairs into the bedroom, his parents voices trailing after him.

All he can do, all he can think is him. He doesn't remember locking the door, or sitting down, or dialing his number. He just remember his voice.

"Hollander?"

***

Ilya will think a lot about those moments in the future. He will think about every thought and every step that took that day, analyzing the meaning behind each. But right now, he doesn't think. He just acts. His body is working on an instinct, his brain far behind. He will have time to think when he knows everything is okay.

It was a little after 7 am when the phone rang. He hadn't opened his phone yet, knowing that when Shane finished with his morning routine would call him, before heading to the ring. And what better way to start your day with Shane's voice? Ilya still at his bed, just happy that morning practice was cancelled, was laying down thinking about Shane. He did that a lot. Think about Shane. But it was Shane. How one could not think of him? The phone call came through and he felt his heart beating faster, his smile growing, until he heard the rasping sound on the other side.

"Hollander? Shane? Everything okay?"

"I need you…" he heard his tears into the tremor of his voice, in the way the breaths were short and heavy, like he was trying to stay calm.

"I am coming. Breath solnyshko. I am coming. " Ilya didn't think. He grabbed the first t-shirt and shorts available, his key and before he realizes he is speeding in I-89N, Shane still in the phone trying to breath and keep it together.

His notifications kept coming and coming, but all he can focus is on the little breaths that Shane tries to take, while voices are yelling in the background. He doesn't understand what is happening or what they are yelling, but Shane still hasn't calmed down and that wills him to be faster. Faster, faster, but still careful, because if Ilya manages to crash, Shane would never forgive him, and he just can't have that. It wasn't until about 2 hours from Montreal that he finally learns what is happening. A text notification from Marly is the reason he learns why his boyfriend is so upset.

Brutal way to come out…I feel bad for Hollander. Do you thi-

Come out? What does he mean come out? It doesn't take him long to find the photo. All in all, is not a bad photo, and maybe that's the reason is so damaging. You can see Shane's face clearly and the only reason, his face isn't recognized, is because his hoodie is obscuring some of his features. His muscle built is well lit under the outdoor light and you can see the way his hands sneak up under Shane's shirt pulling him closer. Everyone knows that Shane Hollander is kissing a man. Nobody knows that Shane Hollander is kissing Ilya Rozanov. So maybe not the worst scenario, but definitely not the best.

"Moyo solnyshko phone will close from battery, but I am coming ok? I will be there. Please breath for me. Wait for me. I am coming. I love you," he manages to say before the call is dropped and the screen gets black.

An hour.

Hold tight moyo solnyshko. I am coming.

He gets there with 15 minutes to spare. He rushes inside, opening the door, the code muscle memory at this point, calling for Shane and he almost falls over from the amount of shoes on the front door. Pike and Boiziau are here, as well as Pike's wife, Jackie, who he hasn't met, yet admires, because she puts up with Pike and she is a good friend of Shane's. Both hockey players were pacing and worrying and trying to find ways to be supportive, while Jackie is sitting at the couch folding and unfolding a throw blanket, offering actual suggestions.

"Shane? Shane? Hollander? Suka blyat! Shane you know you can come out of closet, without taking the closet with you?" Ilya is busy trying to get his fucking shoes off and don't fucking die -how can he balance on top of blades in the ice and he can't stand still 2 seconds now - so he doesn't register the amount of people currently in the room. "Shane -" is all he manages to yell before looking up, seeing his own shock being reflected in the faces of Shane's friends.

"What-"Pike stammers before a new voice cuts in.

"David, I am worried! He hasn't opened that door and it's been hours! He needs to drink some water! What if something happened to him? What if-"

"He is in shock. He will come out, when he is ready, you know how he is." David tries to calm both his wife and himself. He can see the stress Yuna is under, thinking about how lonely their boy was and how they failed him. How he couldn't trust them to talk to them. Even now, that they know. How did they miss this and are they bad parents and what should they have done differently? If they talked more would Shane feel comfortable?

"And we will stay here until he is ready to-" he continues only to stop abruptly in order to not fall into his wife, that suddenly freezes in the middle of the stairs clenching the glass of water in her hands. "Yuna what…?" his words escaping him while he sees Ilya Rozanov standing in the entrance of Shane's house. He might not follow hockey as closely as his wife or her son, but he thinks he can recognize the bane of Shane's existence in all those hockey years.

Ilya know he should say something. Anything. But all his brain can think is Yuna's words.

hasn't opened that door….hours…

"Rozanov what are you doing here? How did you get here?" Yuna is the first to get a grip and try to make logic out of this situation, a skill that later Ilya will appreciate. But later.

He looks at her, hears her words, and he just moves. He is all but running up the stairs, mattering sorry, as he pushes Shane's parents off his way, heading towards the bedroom, the heavy door closed. Nobody has time to even think about his presence or try to stop him.

"Shane!' Ilya yells his heart beating faster and trying to not panic. "Hollander is me! Open the door!" It takes all his willpower to not just start banging on the wood, but he is aware Shane wouldn't appreciate the loud noise right now.

"Look Mr. Rozanov I don't know what makes you think, that you have the right to intrude in such a-" Yuna scolds, trying to keep her composer, trying to understand what is happening and how she can protect her son, only for the door to open.

The door that for the last hours was firmly closed no matter how much she pleaded and yell and tried to open up. She watches her son close to tears, staring at Rozanov, like a lifeline, like a saving grace. She hasn't seen her son look at anything like that, not even his hockey skates. Those skates that wore again and again and again when the world became too much, so he filtered through red line and blue line and zones.

A soft Ilya, escapes his lips, before he throws himself at him, barely holding it together, looking like he took his first breath after drowning for so long. And Rozanov, Ilya just holds him back. His arm wraps around her son, strong and firm and caring, supporting his body as he buries his head in the crook of Ilya's neck and just cries. She can hear her son, her little boy break down in front of someone else, in the arms of someone else. That little boy that yelled mom and always run towards her, was now avoiding her.

Her eyes find Ilya's, questioning what is happening, watching the concern and the uncertainty flicker, before a decisive look takes over. He takes a couple steps forward, Shane stumbling with him in the room, before the door closes one more time, the sound of the lock echoing through the corridor once again, while she waits outside with a glass of water in her hand.

***

Ilya doesn't know how much has passed just standing there holding Shane, breathing him in. He can feel as Shane lets go and just falls apart, he can feel the tears wetting his shirt, and how his body shakes with each sob, how he gasps for air and his hands locked in his neck, never letting go. Ilya just stands there, taking all in, being open and murmuring sweet nothings, letting Shane feel everything, his heart breaking for him.

"You are here…you came…" Shane rasps, his voice small and tired.

"I will always come moya lyobov. Always." Ilya promises, leaning in, his lips brushing Shane's, feeling his breath in his mouth, lifting that heavy weight on his chest.

"Ilya…they…Ilya they know. Everyone knows. I don't …I…" he tries to speak, forms his thoughts into words but his mouth isn't cooperating. He feels Ilya's hands on his back, caressing him, calming him down, being there.

"Shh…it's okay. I know it's scary but is okay. I am here. Your parents are here. Your friends are here," Ilya whispers.

I will always be here.

"Oh my god.. they know..oh god, Ilya everyone knows. I lied to them. I fucking lied to them and they-" he hyperventilates, struggling for oxygen.

"Shane is okay. You did not lie. You can fuck people without telling everyone about it. You don't own them anything. And if they think that, then fuck them."

"They are going to hate me…" How can they not? He already is weird enough, and difficult enough and…

"Nobody is hating you. How can they hate you?" Ilya interrupts his panicking. His low voice like an anchor, steady him in the presence, in his body. " Have you seen yourself? How can anyone hate that ass?"

"I..what? Ilya!" Shane is so shocked that for a minute he forget about the panic and the fears and the worries, just overly done with his boyfriend.

"What? Is true! You have very lovable ass, you can ask my dick about it!" Ilya exclaims a little smile tugging his lips, as he watches his Shane coming back to him, the panic attack subsiding.

"God, I love you," he laughs thankful for having Ilya in his life. His head fall into Ilya's hard chest feeling every breath he takes, trying to copy him, both just relaxing into each other embrace, tuning out the rest of the word.

***

"Yuna… is everything alright?" Jackie asks hesitantly watching a shell shocked Yuna standing outside the master bedroom the glass forgotten in her hand, full with water.

After seeing Rozanov storming off like he owns the place, Yuna right behind him and David following his wife, it took only a couple of minutes for the rest of them to comply and rush upstairs. They found Shane's parents looking stunned, the eyes trailed at the door opposite of them. For a few moments nobody was talking, all just looking at each other, not knowing what to do, how to help.

"I don't think so…but it will be." David answers, unsure at first. "It will have to be. For Shane", adding with more conviction.

"But..what did Rozanov want?" JJ speaks what they all have been thinking. "That was Rozanov right? You all see him? I am not dreaming?" He looks around worried that he just said something crazy and nobody would believe him.

"It would be a weird dream to have at the same time." Hayden provides. "Why would we be dreaming about Rozanov in the first place anyway?"

"I don't know man! I didn't think I was gonna wake up to a photo of Hollsy kissing a man but here we are!" JJ exclaims and at the same time doubles over as Jackie elbows him. "What! I am just saying! Weird shit is happening all day!"

"You are not really helping right now!" her voice adapting the same tone she uses, when the twins are running around crazy, Amber is crying and Arthur is on the verge of a meltdown.

"Well excusez-MΟΙ, if i didn't have the time to go buy pride flags, while i was rushing to come here after the SOS text from YOUR husband! I don't see YOU being supportive either! Where is your rainbow lady?"

Jackie doesn't dignify an answer, but she did raise her eyebrow.

"Okay, I am sorry. You know when I panic I don't think. I am sorry!" JJ add quickly trying to get back at her good grace.

"Its okay kids. Shane knows that you are supporting him, and we really appreciate you all being here!" David cuts the tension, trying to bring a bit of calm back, watching his wife ready to have her own meltdown really soon.

"He didn't even take the water…" He can hear her whispering more to herself, that anyone else, a single tear running through her face, and David does the only thing he can. He closes his arms around her, kissing her hair, hoping to offer the support he so much needs himself.

***

Even though, Shane is calmer now, they haven't moved from their position. Ilya's back is against the door, sitting on the hard floor, Shane sideways between his legs, so he can have his head resting at Ilya's chest, listening to his heartbeat, moving with each breath. They can hear the commotion from outside, but neither is really paying attention to what is happening.

"Ilya, I am afraid." Shane's voice break the silence in the room, his tone small.

"Is okay. I am here. I will protect you," he replies, his accent thickening with emotions, as his arms tightening around Shane.

"But you can't. They can't know…your career and Russia…" Shane can feel his brain trying to come up with all possible scenarios and what can go wrong.

"Shane. I don't care about Russia. I care about you. Russia has nothing for me anymore. Russia is nothing for me anymore. I have no family. No home-" Ilya is trying to explain to the person that mean most to him, how much he actually mean only to be interrupted.

"You have! Ilya you have! I know you mean you have no family or home in Russia, but you know you have a home AND a family. You have me. I can be both. I will be both." By the time he has finished speaking, Shane is whispering, his voice sure and promising, looking Ilya in his eyes, willing him to see how he feels. And he is quite successful because Ilya is tearing up and his voice comes out as a breath, cracking from the weight of their emotions.

"Oh moya lyobov…ye tebya lyublyu." Each word spoken between simple kisses, just a touch of lips, a promise of love.

"I love you too. So much…" Shane takes a deep breath, his forehead touching Ilya's, breathing the same air. He can feel the emotion in Ilya's wound up shoulders and tight arms. He can feel the deep breaths and the need to stabilize himself.

"Okay, enough with this crying. We are okay." Ilya moves back to look at Shane's eyes, letting his cocky persona come to surface. "Your boyfriend is here now. I will make it better."

"I really don't think sex is going to help right now Ilya." It's the only thing, his brain provide as answer, knowing what that stupid little smirk means.

"Who said anything about sex? It wasn't me! You are thinking it!" Shane can only laugh at the flabbergast expression on Ilya's face , making Ilya roll his eyes and blow a raspberry at his boyfriend. "Sex does help, but not right now. To many people listening."

"Ilya!" he yells exasperated his eyes comically wide, just remembering that people are in his house, and trying to forget that as soon as he thinks about it. He can't deal with that right now. He will have another panic attack.

"Okay, I will stop. For now. But sex talk again later okay? And maybe sex do as well?" is all Ilya can manage before Shane starts hitting him in the chest. "Wow. I try to help, and what do you do? Hit me? Abuse me? How can you be so heartless Hollander?"

"I swear to God if you don't stop…" Shane threatens with a mean look in his eyes.

Ilya stops, because Ilya is not stupid. And he wants to have sex later. A mad boyfriend won't do, for that plan.Mostly though, he is just glad that Shane looks calmer and more in control now. His body has relaxed and Ilya lets his hand guide Shane's head at his chest, caressing the short hairs at the back of his neck. A few moments pass, and with each breath he can feel the exhaustion taking over his boyfriend as he closes his eyes.

"Come moya lyobov. Not yet." Ilya gently pushes Shane up, holding him till he can stand at his own two feet, making sure he won't fall over if he takes his hands of his waist. "First…" he starts turning around and opens the door, only to come face to face with Yuna, standing at the same place, where he left her, surrounded by the rest of Shane's family and friends. They all turn to look at him, not expecting the door to open up, and quickly their gaze travels behind him, where Shane is standing. Taking advantage of their confusion, Ilya finds what he is looking for, still in the hands of Shane's mother. "Thank you," is all he says as he grabs the glass of water -Yuna too perplexed to do anything, other than let it go- and once again closes the door, creating a barrier between the out worlds and their world.

"Did you just…" Shane stutters the shock he was feeling taking over his expression, his skin pale and his freckles popping up with contrast, waking him up.

"Come on solnyshko, you need to drink some water and then rest." Ilya doesn't let him speak, just pushes the glass till Shane drinks. He lets the glass on the night stand, dragging Shane in the bed with him, laying down, pulling him closer and closing his eyes. Shane inhales his boyfriend's cologne, allowing his nerves to calm down at the familiar smell, forgetting for a moment what he has to deal with and lets the movement of Ilya's chest to lull him into sleep.

***

A while passes before Ilya knows that is time to get up, Shane long asleep in his arms. He carefully frees himself from his boyfriends embrace, making sure he doesn't wake him up. After he lays a blanket on top of him, he grabs the empty glass of water and he starts heading downstairs in a slow pace.

While they were laying down, Ilya had time to think about everything. Not a lot could happen now, and each thought is more terrifying than the last. Shane needs to make a statement about it, ignoring it won't do, and even though Hunter made the start doesn't mean the Voyagers are going to take it well. Well minus Pike and Boiziau who seemed concerned about Shane, so they probably wouldn't care about him being gay. They would definitely care about Ilya, but he doesn't give a flying fuck about the 15th and 18th Metro's best players acceptance. While some people knowing, might be easier for Shane, to actually open up a bit, like Ilya knows he wants to, especially to Pike, at the same time it would make everything more complicated.

Every interaction would be analyzed under a new light, and they would have to be so much more careful now, because it was pure luck people didn't catch him with his hood down. Ilya couldn't come out. Not right now. Having only a year in his contract, with only Russian passport- isn't the time to be a hero. Ilya is afraid. Things just became extremely complicated, and one wrong move, one wrong word, and it would all come crashing down.

He steps down the stairs with a slow, self assured way, trying to remain unbothered by the feeling swarming all inside him. He watched as all eyes are on him and he can feel every question in the air, but he can't panic right now. Shane needs him to be strong, so Ilya is going to be strong.

Lunch.

Yes. Shane probably hasn't eaten anything all day and he need something. So lunch it is. That's all Ilya has to focus right now. Lunch. Not Yuna's and David's searching eyes, or Jackie's inquiring expression, or Pike's skeptical one, and definitely not on Boiziau's suspicious gaze. Just on Shane's lunch.

"Shane…?" David broke the silence, asking what everyone thought, his gentle voice carrying in the room.

"Asleep." Ilya swallows the panic in his chest and keeps going to the kitchen. Shane's parents want answers, his brain provides for him.

Lunch.

He needs a bowl, and a spoon and - God could they stop looking at him like that. He is trying to keep it together and be strong and help Shane, but he really isn't an expert. Usually when things get hard, Ilya disappears. It goes against every instinct to stay put and stay steady.

"Okay, since no one saying it… what the fuck in going on?" Pike demands, standing up, eye level with Ilya.

"I would like to know as well. Mrs Rozanov why are you here?" Yuna adds, her expression a mirror of Ilya's. Someone that tries to keep it together, without understanding what is happening, a position Yuna isn't very often in.

Ilya doesn't know what Shane wants him to do or to say, how to explain what is happening. Shane is the one that comes up with the plans and Ilya is happy to follow along.

"Shane called." Better to stick to the truth. He needs to keep himself busy. The more busy he is, the less he need to make eye contact.

"Why would Shane call you of all people?" the confusion evidence in Pike's tone.

"When he wouldn't even talk to any of us?" his wife continues.

Ilya has already grabbed the bowl and the pre-chopped vegetables from the fridge -onions, pickles, peppers- weighting the ingredients.

To that question Ilya didn't have an answer. Or he did, just not one that there were ready to hear. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to deviate a bit from the truth.

"We are friends." Yes, better than the alternative, we are boyfriends.

"Friends?"

"Since when?"

"What do you mean friends?"

The voices come out all together, Yuna , Pike and Boiziau talking at the same time, all with different level of emotion, ranking from puzzling to offended.

Ilya grabs the bread from the toaster putting on a pan, preheating the oven. He moves back to counter to mix the light mayonnaise and the organic dijon mustard with the rest of the ingredients.

"We know each other since 2008." Back to the truth it seems.

"I think we all are a bit confused, because none of us knew that you were close." David offers. Ilya risks a glance towards the senior Hollander and he feels equal parts relief and fear at what he sees. David's eyes are gentle, his expression open, trying his earnest to understand the situation and provide support. Ilya doesn't think he ever saw that look on his father's face.

Ilya can only shrug his shoulders, breaking eye contact, focusing again on lunch. He scoops two spoons from the bowl, placing them on the bread, then low-fat cheese- the shredded one that is in the ziplog bag, on the third self- and last bread again.

"Putain! What the fuck is that suppose to mean Rozanov?" Boiziau nearly yells, his voice loud enough. Ilya hopes he didn't wake Shane up.

He put the pan into the oven, closing the door, before he takes a deep breath turning to face the avengers in front of him.

"Be quite Boiziau. Shane is sleeping," his voice menacing, as Ilya can feel his face settle into the don't try me face.

"Then explain what is happening!" Jackie interjects, before any other player can speak, trying to stop the argument that is about to happen. "We wake up to a photo of Shane in a very private moment, none of us - neither his friends or his parents- knew about, we all come rushing in to be supportive, and Shane refuses to even look at us, much less speak to any of us. And then, all of a sudden, you come barging in-without anyone having to open the front door- you walk around like you own the place, you know where everything is, and most importantly, Shane speaks to you. Shane asked for you," she continues her tone pointed. "Helps us understand what is happening!"

Ilya feels his breath coming a bit short. He opens his mouth to give an answer, to explain but not a sound comes out. He is lost. He is completely lost. He doesn't know what to say, so they will be protected. So Shane can be protected. He is at loss of words for the first time, not because he doens't know the English translation, but because words have abandon him.

"Is just…" Yuna fills the quite, making eye contact. "Why Shane is so comfortable with you? What we did wrong..? Doesn't he trusts us? Does he think we will not support him?" Ilya can see the pain in her eyes, her voice cracking, thinking about the ways she was not there for her son.

He doesn't know how to comfort her, how to explain to her how much Shane loves his parents, and that love sometimes scares him. It can be scary to love and be loved by someone so much, because it can also mean that it might be taken away. That's what scares Shane so much. The possibility to lose his parent's love. A love Ilya had and lost. And he doens't think Shane would get over that kind of pain. Ilya hadn't.

"No mum…god no…" A tremble voice answers insteed of him. Shane is awake, stading at the end of the staircase , his eyes fixed at his parents, glassy with tears. Ilya want to go to him, hug him, protect him. With all the commosion, no one heard him coming. "I am sorry you had to find out his way… I wanted to tell you. It wasn't suppose to happen like that and.. I am sorry… I am so sorry….I had a plan and-", his voice cuts of abruptly by Yuna Hollander hugging him, David right behind her.

Shane feels his mom arms holding him strongly, his dad at his side embracing both of them, and Shane let himself be a kid again. He is crying on his parents shoulders, like he did the time someone called him stupid because he failed a math tests, the time they told him he couldn't play with them because he wasn't white, the time they locked him in the storage room after he beat everyone of them in the accuracy and speed competition, because Asians can't play hockey and he is cheating. He is crying for all the times he felt small and alone.

But now he isn't. He might still feel small and inadequate, some times, but he isn't alone. He watches Ilya's eyes trailing all over him, the concern obvious in them, in the way he locks he jaw, and tighten his grip.

"Mom, dad… I am gay." He takes a step back looking them in the eyes, laying himself in front of them.

"Oh honey.. oh my baby…We love you. We love you so much!" Yuna is trying so hard to not cry, caressing her sons cheek, looking at him and seeing her little boy rushing to her, whenever he needed something.

"Shane we are so proud of you! Of the man you are. Thank you for telling us. We love you so much son." David agrees with his wife, his palm on Shane's shoulder squeezing him, trying to make him feel how much they love him.

"Okay…" Yuna breaths in, trying to recalibrate herself. "Enough crying. We are all okay. We need a plan."

Shane can't help at the laughter that escape him, her words so like his mother, and at the same time like Ilya's. Ilya, who is still watching him, offering quite support.

"Man…" Shane heres Hayden's voice, just now registering the amount of people in his living room. Hayden is here, and Jackie is here and JJ is here. So that's good right? They wouldn't come all the way here to yell at him, would they?

Hayden can see the exact moment Shane understands their presence and the mental panic that follows it. He watches as his face fells and stays in a neutral position, a bit to tight, his eyes looking past him, bracing himself for the worst. He has seen this look many times before. Each time a coach or a player yelled at him for a mistake-even though is wasn't his fault, at events when people expected of him to talk or laugh at something bluntly racist or misogynistic, in the locker room when boys where boys and nobody has doing anything except Shane telling them to stop it, waiting for the classical "relax". Hayden thinks , at this point, he knows pretty well Shane. But evidently , Shane doesn't know Hayden that well if he is afraid of his reaction.

And god…

Shane is afraid of him. Hayden can fell his heart break a bit at the thought of his best friend, of his kids' godfather being afraid of him. He vows right then and there that he will try to be a better friend, a better listener , a better supporter. Shane is family, and he should know that.

"Shane buddy, I know that you don't really like physical contact and hugs…" he starts walking towards his friend standing in front of him. "…but can I give you a hug right now?" Shane barely nods, before Hayden envelops him in a big hug. "I am so proud of you buddy, and I am so so sorry, that you had to get through this alone! But no more okay? I promise you I will be here!"

"Thank you Hayden…" whispers Shane, relaxing in his hug.

"Oui capitaine! We are here! I know many gay and bi dudes! I promise you by the end of the season you will be happily in a relationship as well, being disgustingly cute like those two!" JJ adds, his usual enthusiasm back in his voice, making Shane feel grateful for his friend and a bit anxious of the murderous face Ilya, his current boyfriend, is making at the suggestion.

"Thanks guys, but I am good." He nods, backing away from Hayden and looking over at JJ. "I am not looking for something right now." I have already found it.

"Good luck, trying to stop Tweedledum and Tweedledee over there!" Jackie snorts, coming over to claim her hug as well. "We love you Shane! I hope you know that!" Shane can only smile at her, his emotions trying to overthrow him.

It doesn't take long before his eyes find for Ilya again. He looks good, in his black shirt, tight enough so you can see the muscle, his hair being all over the place and his eye intense as always, following him, making him feel grounded. Ilya must see something in Shane's eyes, because he speaks up.

"Hollander, come here. Need help with the dishes. Food is ready."

And just like that, everyone remember his presence, curious faces at best, coming back, and glances rocking between the two of them. Shane know that he must come clean. There is no excuse that can explain what happen today, and it's better to come clean now, than lie and wait for the truth to be exposed at a later date. However, he is no shape or form, ready to have that conversation quite yet. So he gladly takes Ilya words, for what they are, an excuse to stall time, and goes over to help his boyfriend -who already knows where they are- to find the dishes.

They worked in tandem, both of them so used to the other, just trying to set everything up. Nobody was talking, they just watched them. In David's eyes, it was quite obvious that this wasn't the first time they made lunch together, even if it is just setting the table. Both of them were more relaxed now, knowing what the other needed without actually voicing it, a calmness surrounding both, that wasn't there before. Just by being near the other, both looked less worried, less stressed.

In no time, Shane had brought plates and silverware, as well as some glasses, while Ilya put the sandwiches in a plater and grabbed the drinks. Beer for him, even though if he is being honest with himself something stronger would be more preferable. A ginger ale for Shane, then more beers for Shane's idiotic friends, the liqueur that Jackie likes - a knowledge that came from Shane complaining that he has to drive 30 minutes in order to obtain, but still does because he loves Jackie even thought she repeatedly told him he doesn't need to. He makes a second trip to grab the opened wine bottle, that Shane's parents preferred - another piece of information that his boyfriend shared with him when he asked why there was a nearly finished bottle in Shane's fridge during the season a while back. Ilya knew Shane wasn't drinking in general, much less during the season, so he was quite baffled, till Shane explained that his parent love to relax with a glass of wine, quite often actually, either when dining or just when they would all be together to catch up. When he placed the wine at the table, Shane noticed for the first time what Ilya had make.

"Tuna melt? Really?" Shane had the I-am-so-done-with-you-right-now face and Ilya felt a chuckle escape him.

"Don't worry, I won't let you run away now," Ilya whispered a mischievous glint in his eyes. He watched amazed as Shane rolled his, before remembering the audience in front of them. In an instant he felt his anxiety spike up and his face tightening with worry as he took notice of the confused stares. It's amazing the way Ilya can make him relax even for a few minutes.

"Why does Ilya Rozanov knows to get out the bottle of liqueur I like?" Jackie is the first to break the silence.

At the same time, both he and Ilya look over at the bottle in question and then back again at each other. Ilya is apologetic and Shane tries to breath and think of something to say -other than he is my secret boyfriend and listens to me talk a lot.

"Oh nice taste, I like it as well." Ilya says with a small smile on his face, relief washing over them at the small excuse , that is not even a lie. So yeah! Ilya does like the liqueur, he had to try it out after all, so he can have an opinion about the alcohol Shane kept in his house.

"Okay enough." JJ intercepts before anyone else can say something. "What is happening Shane? Why is Rozanov in your house?" he asks looking only at Shane in a way that demands answers. From the way no one else interrupts, it's obvious that they all want to know those answers.

Shane turns his head, to find Ilya already watching him a few steps further from him. Shane is lost. He doens't know what to do. He doesn't want to come out. He definitely doesn't want for anyone else to learn about Ilya. That wasn't the plan. It wasn't suppose to happen this way, and so early. It's not just his secret to tell. They haven't talked with Ilya about it. The last time this came up, both were on the same page that nobody needs to now about it. Its too risky. Too dangerous. With the way his body is halfway hidden behind the counter, no one notices his hand reaching out to Ilya. He needs him by his side. He need him to ground himself. And of course Ilya comes. He takes three large steps stooping right beside him, their legs so close, and their arms touching each other. Ilya's callused hand is warm and safe and steady as he can feel their fingers intertwine with one another.

"I…" Ilya swallows before he tries again, his voice soft only meant for Shane's ears, but not quite managing that. "I think it's safe, yeah?" Its the only thing, that he can think to say. He can't panic right now, because Shane needs him.

While, Ilya can keep hiding, because he doesn't let people close, Shane can't. It's already taken a toll on him trying to manage everything, and he really isn't a great liar. Well, who is he kidding? Shane can't lie to save his life, his whole face becomes blotchy and read and he starts looking away - more than usual- and the only reason they haven't been found yet, is because no one is crazy enough to suggest that at his face! In reality, Ilya is terrified. Because the more people know, the more easy is for the secret to be exposed. And Ilya isn't sure he trusts Pike and Boiziau with this. Because his job and his visa is on the line. And that wakes a fear so deep inside him, that had years to feel.

"Are you sure?" Shane asks, worry all over his face.

His sweet, sweet Shane always making sure that Ilya is okay. And how can Ilya say no, when he is aware the relief that's going to bring to his beloved? He just needs to trust Shane. Shane would never let anything bad happen to him. And if he no longer has a visa, well, then Shane will have to make a honest man out of him. And isn't that thought entertaining?

"I am sure Hollander." Ilya smiles, nodding his head and giving Shane the okay to change their lives. He watches as Shane closes his eyes taking a deep breath, before he turns to face his family a stoic look on his face.

"Ilya is my boyfriend. That's why he is here."

Shane's statement just hangs in the air. The couple doesn't breath waiting for the first reaction, for a yell, or a cry or something. Just a reaction. But nothing. There isn't any. They just keep looking at him and blinking. A moment passes. Another one. And another one.

"Shane, I think you broke them." Ilya whispers, his heart pounding at his chest, trying to make light of the situation they are in.

"I don't understand what is happening right now." Pike is the first to break the silence, looking between the two of them, waiting for he punchline of a bad joke.

"What is you don't understand Pike? This isn't hockey? Why are you struggling?"

"Ilya!" Shane chides him in a familiar known tone, he uses every time he makes fun of Pike. And they are quite often those times. "Ilya and I are together Hayden," he uses an almost apologetic tone this time.

"Rozanov? But why-" JJ exclaims only to be to stopped by Jackie, that has her hand slapped in this face, preventing him from talking. He turns to look at her with disbelief only to meet her serious face.

"You don't think before you speak, and right now it's not the time to say something you can't take back." It's the only thing she says, but the implications are there. One wrong comment and there is no going back. JJ isn't sure he can thing in a correct way right now, his mind playing in loop all the times Rozanov was chirping them and checking them and starting fights. So he just nods and doesn't say anything.

"What? What do you mean he is your…?" Yuna doesn't finish the sentence too shocked by the idea itself to even try to formulate the words about it.

"Boyfriend. He is my boyfriend mom and I love him. And look, I know, okay, that none of you like him, but you don't know him, okay? You don't! Not the way I do." Shane can feel himself exploding with emotions, hurt by their non-reactions and their disbelief and their secret disproval. So he just lets it all out. "You know Rozanov the hockey player, not Ilya, the man. You think just because you have seen some interviews or played against him, that you have all figure it out, but you don't! And I would like for you to know him, to actually know him, because Ilya is an amazing person and deserves to be treated as such and to be know as such! But I don't care if you don't. I don't care about your approval or what you think I should do or what is right. I don't care. I wasted so much time caring about anything, that I almost lost him, and I won't let that happen again. So if you are not okay with that, then you know where the door is."

Ilya is shocked. He is watching Shane's outburst and all he can think is how much he loves him. It's been a long time since someone stood up for him that way. Mama is the only one that can much that fierce passion, of talking about a loved one. He still believes, sometimes late at night, that he isn't worth all the love and devotion and attention Shane gives him. But he is greedy and he won't let go. Shane is like the sun, bringing in the warmth and the light in his dark life, and how can he say no to that. He watches as his partner takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself, all the other too shocked to actual say anything. Ilya thinks that they might be more shocked about Shane - calm and collected and never angry Shane- raising his voice.

"But just, please can you keep this to yourselves? I know you don't like Ilya, but this isn't about petty feeling anymore. It's serious. Ilya is Russian. If this gets out, he would be in great danger. If the league drops him and he loses his visa…he can't go back okay? It's not safe for him to go back. And I wouldn't allow it anyway. I trust you with this. Ilya is trusting you with this, just because you are my family. Just, please, don't okay? Don't say anything," finishes, the fight leaving his body as he tries to blink tears away. He sounds pleading at the end but he doesn't care. He won't let anyone risk Ilya's safety.

"Shane…of course. Of course nobody is going to say anything!" Jackie reacts almost immediately, hating the way Shane seems so unsure of himself.

Yuna doesn't really understand what is happening the whole day. She feels as if someone told her to pilot a plane without instructions. She doesn't know which button is right and which way she should go. Almost always she had a plan. And a plan in case the first one failed. She doesn't think there is way to have predicted today's outcome, no matter the plans she made. And she need to act. She can think of a plan later. Now she need to act, because she can feel her heart breaking more and more with every word that came our of Shane's mouth. The fear of being rejected for loving Rozanov -no, Ilya- and how he kept all his feeling hidden all this time, and the way…god, the ways he stood up for him, and begging them to keep his secret. Her son is hurting, and god know how long, and she must do something about it. So she just acts.

"Oh my baby, my little boy…" is all she say before she hugs him for one more time today, holding him close to her, trying to pour all her love. She can fell one hand coming around her as his head fall into her shoulder. The other stays put in Ilyas hand.

David knows how fast life changes. You think something is true, and next thing you know, it's proved to be wrong. You might think that you can win a match, but in the end you loose. Life is unpredictable, so he always tried to keep an open mind. That doesn't mean he isn't as shocked as the rest of them, watching fundamental truths comes to lies, and his son being in a relationship with his rival. He watches as Yuna comforts Shane, and watches as Ilya provides support for Shane. Because Shane has them, who Ilya has? David can imagine what it feels like being in a room where people hate you before they even know you. He know what is like feeling unwelcome, and being gossiped about and having the same old question "weren't any Asian men in Ottawa?" being asked over and over again. And he refuses to make someone feel that way. David knows his son. His sensible, not risk-taker, planner son, that doens't like uncertainty and change, much like his mother. And if that son is sure about Ilya and David must learn that Ilya.

"Well, I think now is a great opportunity to learn the Ilya you know Shane," he tells to no one and everyone at the same time. "After all nobody had lunch yet. What do you think?" David smiles at Shane, watching his shoulder drop, noticing the relief that crashes not only in his son's face but in Ilya's as well. The fear leaving his body, an anxiety taking it's place, not noticeable in his expression but at the way his hand clenches and his fingernails scratching the inside of his palm.

"Shane buddy…" Hayden jumps in, "We are going to go okay?"

"Oh…" is all Shane can manage , his expression falling, tears welling in his eyes watching his best friends ready to leave over who he loves. There were supposed to be his best friends, damn it. There were supposed to love him no matter what.

"Leave Pike. No one wants you here anyway." Ilya face hardens as he watches the hurt all over Shane's face.

"Oh fuck you Rozanov." Hayden feel the all familiar phrase leaving his lips before he can think. Oh well. He hopes Shane isn't to mad about that. "We need to pick up the kids, and I think is best to let you have your first meeting as a family. We will come later in the afternoon okay?"

"You will come back?" Shane asks, full of hope.

"Of course we will! You will not get rid of us so easily Hollander!" JJ add with a smile. "I want the full story of how,"- he gestures between Ilya and Shane-"if I am going to be friends with Rozavon."

"Shane, we love you and nobody is judging you for being gay or for your relationship with Ilya," Jackie says.

"Well I am judging about the relationship with Ilya." Hayden raises his hand.

"Nobody asked you Pike."

"Hayden!"

Ilya and Jackie exclaims at the same time, making the rest of them laugh with their antics.

"What? He isn't nice to me! Why I should be nice to him?" Hayden cries out.

"Because you aren't five and Shane doesn't need your judgemental ass all over his relationship?" Jackie offers like it's obvious.

"Oh come on, I am his best friend. If I am not the judgemental one, then who is going to be? I need to make sure he is being treated well!"

"Oh I agree with that as well!" JJ declares.

"Okay come on now dumb and dumber, let's leave the family. " Twin offended yells can be heard before Jackie continues. "Bye Yuna, bye David! Shane if you are not up for us coming over today just text okay? Ilya it was nice meeting you and I can't wait to get to know you!"

"Bye Hollanders!", both Shane's friends yells, before adding the next bit with a lot less enthusiasm, after Jackie's glare. "Bye Rozanov."

"Bye mediocre hockey players! Good bye Jackie, it was nice meeting you as well!" His tone changing from mocking to a sincere one.

Both Shane and Ilya smile, feeling a little bit more sure about what is coming next.