Chapter Text
Unfortunately
Ilya couldn't think of anything else on his walk home. "I love you" they'd said. They've declared their love for each other hundreds of times across the years. Maybe thousands, Ilya thinks. In the middle of the night after a nightmare, after sharing a green smoothie that he's not sure even has nutritional value, after fighting about parking or where Anya's coat goes, through tears and joy and marriage and playing for the same team and getting down but always getting back up. They've always said "I love you." The time or place never mattered once they came out. Something bad happens? I love you. Something good happens? I love you. It was an inevitability. The years they spent meeting in hotel rooms and not talking about their feelings, the almost plane crash, everything they'd been through together. I love you was going to be there at the end of the day.
Unfortunately
So why was it unfortunate? He thought Shane was happy they were in love. He thought Shane loved Anya and loved sharing their life together. But...
Unfortunately
It wouldn't leave him alone. With the help of Galina, Ilya had been able to tell when he was spiraling, but this didn't feel like panic or terror. This felt like resignation. This felt like he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop and he couldn't figure out when but "unfortunately" has done him in. An inevitability, but in a different way. The love he shared with Shane was an inevitability in the true goodness that seeped from every part of Shane's body. His kind, patient, passionate husband. His husband who shared his life and his family and his house and all his little quirks with Ilya. Of course it was inevitable that he would fall in love. He thought it was even possible that he was in love after seeing the freckles and getting two handshakes from an awkward teenage Shane Hollander. Was it love then? Being told not to smoke there? Or was it love when he watched Shane fold his clothes for the first time? Was it love when he got to have proper sex with him? Was it love when it felt like his heart was being ripped from his body in Sochi when he had to tell Shane to leave? Was it love when Shane left his house after tuna melts? Was it love in Tampa? If he's always felt like this, how does he know when it was love?
And his Shane. His beautiful husband. Freckles he'd kill someone over. The best hockey player he's ever seen. Shane Hollander, hockey legend, doggy dad, perfect son. That Shane Hollander loved him?? The most beautiful man to have ever walked the Earth? The kindest soul he's ever met loved... him.
Ilya didn't think it was possible. Not because Shane was incapable. Not because Shane didn't deserve to love someone. But because it was Ilya. A Rozanov. An asshole who didn't know when to stop. A victim of the family curse. Or maybe he was the family curse. He outlived everyone else. Mama died when he was twelve. Father died recently. Alexei was addicted to drugs and useless, and that felt enough like outliving him. So what did Ilya have that Shane would want to love? He was abrasive, he was competitive, he was incapable of talking about his feelings, incapable of accepting help, refused to compromise on stupid things. He left the toilet seat up and forgot dishes on the counter and sometimes fed Anya too much and got into bed with his outside clothes. He was Ilya, a failure, a fuck-up. He'd disappointed everyone in his life. He knew that.
And yet, unfortunately hit him like nothing else.
Unfortunately haunted him more than his mother. Unfortunately haunted him more than scared phone calls from his father screaming about bread and Alexei. Unfortunately haunted him more than his own thoughts. Was it unfortunate? Was it a terrible penance to love Ilya? Had Shane angered some God neither of them believed in and the price he had to pay was to love Ilya? Dysfunctional, broken, ugly Ilya. He thought so. But when had it become unfortunate? When did Shane decide that я тебя люблю had become something to be upset about? Whispered nights of giggling and sharing childhood stories, days of baking together, walking Anya in the park. And their relationship was unfortunate?
Did Shane resent him? Did he think that Ilya shouldn't have kissed him at the 15th best Montreal player's house? If Ilya had been able to keep his hands to himself, Shane could have come out how he wanted. If Ilya had broken it off after Marleau knocked Shane out, he could have been able to find a good boyfriend. "Were there no nice men in Montreal?" Ilya wondered that too. Were there no nice men?? He had suggested Shane see other people in a fit of self-flagellation. He didn't mean it and Shane didn't do it, but... were there no nice men in Montreal? Montreal is far from them now. Maybe there were nice men in Ottawa, but they're too famous for that in Ottawa. Shane is still too famous for that in Montreal. But did he want it? Did he think that Ilya was unfortunate?
Ilya looked up from where he was walking. He didn't recognise the area, but he still wasn't that familiar with the further parts of Ottawa. He wanted to go home though. It was chilly after the sun went down. And he was tired. He pulled out his phone to check how far from home he was and was met with a wall of missed calls and text messages.
Shane <333
hi baby can you bring milk home with you
ilyaaa did you see my text
hellooooo i miss youuuu
ilya
where are you?
are you okay??
Ilya. This isn't funny.
please text me back.
your phone keeps going to voicemail.
if you don't call me back soon, I'm calling the cops. Where are you??
i'm sending mom and dad to look for you. stay put.
call me back
I love you.