Chapter Text
It had been a long day on the battlefield, and Dell Conagher, BLU team Engineer, was exhausted. A soft spoken Texan who long ago traded his teaching job at university to build weapons of mass destruction for the BLU company in the Gravel Pit Wars, he often wondered why he had. Running up and down stairs carrying his toolbox, whacking no-good spies across the back of the head with his Jag and scurrying here and there gathering scrap to keep guns ablaze against the RED tide was very demanding and hard on his body.
Of course, during quiet times, he sometimes was able to dispatch his chair and have a beer, which always seemed to piss off the Scout when he delivered enemy intelligence, and that always made Dell’s day. But, when he was close to nodding off in the chair, like the man could read his mind, a Spy would sap his precious gun or dispenser, and off he’d be like a dog chasing its tail. Walking back to his tool room, Dell hrrrumphed a bit as he put the heavy toolbox back on the shelf, none too gently. How long had it been, since he had a bit of time off? It seemed like he was whacking spies with his wrench all the time. As much as he knocked the shit out of them they always seemed to come back en force. Well, perhaps Pyro might be persuaded to stick around tomorrow, and he would be able to have a little more peace than usual.
Walking over to his easy chair, Dell sagged down on weary legs and sank into the soft cushions and sighed with gratitude and thanks that he had this nice cozy spot to relax and think. He didn’t want to think too much tonight, just unwind, perhaps snap his fingers and have one of his pet robots bring him a beer, and catch that sweet nap he had been missing all day, before he headed off to the mess hall. Ah. What a great idea. He reached over to grab his universal remote (and it was universal, it controlled most everything in his shop) and glanced at the buttons on it. There it is, the button for Butler S21…
WHAM! The noise was enough to cause Dell’s head to snap around and look at the door to his shop. “What in tarnation…?” WHAM! WHAMWHAMWHAM! “ENGINEER! IT IS APPOXIMATELY 1800 HOURS AND TIME FOR DINNER! FRONT AND CENTER!!” Dear God. That can’t be anyone but Soldier. Sighing again but in a sad, defeated tone, Dell wearily dragged himself up off the chair and headed to the door to his shop.
“Soldier, I can hear jus’ fine. Perhaps you might wanna lower yer voice just a few decibels-“ WHAM WHAM WHAM! “ENGINEER! CAN YOU HEAR ME? RESPOND!”
“Dag-nabbit! I can hear you, you jackass! One damn secon’.” Dell opened the door and there he stood, Jane Doe. In his uniform he was quite an intimidating fellow. In today’s map of Doublecross, Jane had rocket-jumped across the entire field and dashed in the enemy with his shovel while picking up the Intel and launching again back to the base. Screaming like a banshee most of the time, he would drop like an eagle, striking the earth or unfortunate adversary with boots ablaze and smoking, swinging his shovel at anyone who dared defy him. Dell knew the madness consuming Jane had to be a façade, but since when did soldiers get issued rabid raccoons to wear on their uniforms?
“HELLO AGAIN, ENGIE!” Jane yelled at Dell. Dell winced at the booming voice.
“Excuse me, Soldier, I can hear you. You don’t need ta yell.” Dell said. He ignored the nickname Jane had inadvertently used to address him. Heck, he responded to just about anything the guys on his team called him.
“Oh? Hrm.” Jane looked at his feet. He didn’t realize he was yelling. “Engie, on the battlefield, I am used to commanding each and every one of you!”
“Naw, you don’t, we know where we’re goin…”Dell rolled his shoulders back and raised his chin defiantly as Jane cut him off.
“And as such I am used to shouting orders!” Jane assumed a commanding stance.
“We never really do that, I’m always defendin’ and setting up tech, it’s th’ same job I’ve alwa-“
“And good leaders always lead! I intend to keep my command of this rag-tag bunch of maggots! Do you understand?” Soldier looked down at Dell who at this time, was pretty exasperated.
“Dammit all to hell, Soldier! I’m a mercenary, same as you!” Dell threw both arms up in the air in a gesture of futility. “We ain’t in th’ Army! Just a bunch of hard working Mercs. I’m tired! I’ll eat when I’m ready!!” And with that, Dell swiftly turned around, went back inside and slammed the door. As he got settled back in his chair, he kicked back, raised his goggles up off of his face and rubbed his eyes. He was sure he was pretty dirty when he withdrew his hands and saw the dirt rings from where his goggles had been.
Looking around for his universal remote, he then pressed the button to summon his robot butler. He was especially proud of this little fellow. It looked a little like a helicopter in miniature with telescoping grappling hooks and it was fairly sentient, but he had the presence of mind to not give it a vocabulary. The last thing he wanted to hear was another voice.
“Be a good fella and fetch me a beer, will ya?” Dell said to the hovering robot. It beeped affirmatively and whizzed off in the air. Rap rap rap! Someone at the door again? Grumbling under his breath, he once again drug himself out of his chair, and stomped towards his door.
“All right, whaddya want?” he half-shouted, hauling the door open exasperatingly.
“Engineer, I…I am sorry...” Jane said, twiddling his thumbs and looking down at his dirty boots. “It’s just that…I was...I mean-I’m sorry. For... infringing on your domicile!” Jane looked up from his boots to Dell’s eyes. And did a quick double-take. It wasn’t often that Dell removed his goggles, and it was a bit of a shock to Jane. Dell was quite a handsome man when he wasn’t outfitted for battle. He looked back down at his boots again, and sniffed. He suddenly felt like a fool to have come and interrupted a man who clearly didn’t want company.
Dell caught every movement on Jane’s face, causing him to smile a little bit and crinkled up the corners of his eyes. Might as well give him a bit of a show. And Dell appreciated the apology. Something about the suddenly humble Soldier made Dell feel sorry he had blown up at the man. He seemed very sincere, and as deluded has he was, he wasn't hiding anything.
“Aw, that’s ok. Sometimes it’s hard to drop a battle and unwind.”
“You mean debrief. You debrief after an engagement with the enemy!” Jane said, smiling at Dell. “Yes. It is hard to let go of battle when the enemy has his tail between his legs and retreating in utter defeat! We must-“
The Butler S21 carrying its payload whizzed in and hovered near Dell’s head. Jane stared at it. “What is that? It’s an enemy drone! AAAGGGHH!” And with that, Soldier tore at the butler, trying to sweep the robot out of the air, and smashing down on Dell’s yellow helmet. Dell sputtered,”W-what? No! What in tarnation? That’s my robot, Soldier! Stand down!”
And just like that, Soldier backed off, however a little hesitant to cease pursuing the hovering robot, which had evaded capture by flying upwards into the rafters.
“C’mere, S21! It’s ok. No one’s gonna get ya.” Dell said, hand outstretched. The hovering robot lowered the beer into Dell’s palm, and then buzzed into the back of the shop.
“That is your drone? That is amazing, Engie!” Jane exclaimed. He seemed entirely enchanted by the way the robot had timidly performed the command and then shyly disappeared. He smiled at Dell, and Dell again had recognized that the Soldier, while being reactive and unpredictable and sometimes downright obnoxious, could be amicable. Dell looked down at his feet. The attention from Jane had him flustered.
“Aw, it ain’t nothin’. I like to build things, is all,” He took a swig of beer from the bottle and then caught himself. “Jeeze, where are my manners? Would you like a drink? Would you like to come in?”
If a deer in the headlights wasn’t shocked enough, Dell was sure Soldier was. The man looked like he had a spotlight on him. “Uh…really? I may enter the premises?”
“Well, iffin you wanna. I was just going to sit a spell and relax a bit. The best thing about a beer is sharing one,” Dell winked at Jane. And Jane came in.
Inside the shop was a wide array of tools, projects, and tables, and many surfaces were covered in papers and blueprints. Notes were written in almost every corner of blank paper. Telescopes, gun barrels, and all sorts of parts and pieces littered the area. Jane was all eyes. He had taken off his confederate cap, and Dell could see the flattop haircut and the scruffy close-cut beard the military man had taken up wearing recently. He was glad his new friend was comfortable enough to take off his cap and visit a bit.
“Have a seat, Soldier” Dell said. Jane looked at the comfy chair and recognized it as Engineer’s, and took a seat on the hard wooden bench opposite the floor. Dell appreciated that, and plopped down into his chair, momentarily forgetting his previous exhaustion.
“How about that beer, Soldier?” Dell said to Jane. Jane nodded, again unsure of himself in this new territory. He was afraid to touch anything in this room. There were a lot of shiny metal parts and papers everywhere. “Don’t mind the mess. Hell, I’ve never minded it. Let me show you how it’s done.” Dell picked up the remote again and pressed the button. The Butler S21 whizzed into the room.
“Butler, please retrieve a beer for our guest,” Dell said. The compliant robot flew off, and returned shortly, with another glass bottle of beer. It flew to Dell. “No, for our guest,” Dell said. The robot hesitated, then glided over to Jane and beeped questioningly at him.
“Thanks, soldier’” Jane said, as he reached for the beer. The robot jumped in the air and the beer crashed to the floor.
“Dammit! What in Sam Hill? Now you go git in there an’ get another beer for our guest!” Dell exclaimed, sitting upright in his chair and swearing at his robot. It whizzed off again, but didn’t return. “Dag-nabbit,” Dell muttered under his breath.
“No, it’s ok, Engie. I’ll go get one. I think I scared him,” Jane said. He stood up and walked into the other room where the refrigerator was. The little robot was struggling with the handle of the fridge. “Oh! Let me help you, little fella!” Jane said. He reached for the robot and then saw that its grappling hook was caught in the door. He gently removed the hook and the robot, once freed, retracted its line and whizzed off into the dark back rooms. Jane opened the fridge and grabbed his own beer, and looked for a towel and a broom to clean up the mess. Where was it? There didn’t seem to be anything personal at all in this shop, other than Dell’s chair and the refrigerator. He walked back into the main room.
“Engie, I couldn’t find-“Jane started to say, but was surprised to see the mess being cleaned up by another robot. This one was a purely terrain-based robot. It scooted around on the floor, sucking up spilled beer and broken glass, and making a bit of a racket. Jane stared. All this robotic technology impressed him, and he again wondered why he was here wasting this brilliant man’s time.
“Aw, you like this one? He’s my floor cleaning robot. He’s one of my earlier models. I meant for him to just be a retriever of dropped bolts an’ such, but he’s real good at vacuumin’.” Dell said, stretching out on his chair.
Jane relaxed. As he sat down at the bench, he remarked, ”It’s too bad you don’t have one to tidy up all the tables in here,”
“Naw, just as well,” Dell said. “I’d never be able to find a damn thing if the robots cleaned the entire shop.” Dell and Jane looked at each other. Jane averted his eyes, and Dell chucked a little.
“Do you want ta listen to some music?”
Jane perked up. “Affirmative! I often listen to good old American anthems! None of that hippie feel-good music that boy listens to in the barracks!”
“Well, I am fresh outta anthems, I think, but I do have some classical to listen to. Will that do?” Dell asked. Jane nodded. Dell pressed another button on his universal remote and suddenly, a low note eased into the room, followed by a quartet of strings and several soothing instrumental sounds. Dell eased back into his chair and shut his eyes.
This particular piece always brought him home in his mind, back to Bee cave, Texas. Back on the farm. A storm on the horizon, low thunder rumbling far in the distance. As if on cue, outside the shop, rain began to patter down on the tin roof. But the sound system in the shop was well placed, and the rain did little but accentuate the music. Dell sighed. He could almost smell the rain, and see the pastures of home in his mind. So peaceful.
Jane sat still, frozen by the music. An altogether different scene was being played out in his head. When he was younger, he had headed to Poland to fight Nazis. When he came back to the States after discovering the war had been over for years, he had returned home only to find that his military father had moved on without leaving a forwarding address. He was sure lonely after that, and had lived on the streets.
One particularly cold night, he had found a cardboard box in an alleyway and climbed in to warm up. There was some excited squeaking coming from the far end of the box and curious, Jane whistled lightly to the noise. Out of the dark corner crept a baby raccoon cub. His little eyes had been barely been opened a day before his mama had hidden him in the box for safety as she scavenged for leavings in the trash. Apparently, she never returned for some reason or another, but Jane gently picked the cub up, and from that day forward, the raccoon was Jane’s new family.
He sat in Dell’s shed, the little tool shop, and reminisced about the past as the rain came down and the music led on. Lieutenant Bites, he had named the little cub. He had many adventures with that cute little raccoon. They were best friends, brothers of a sort. Both abandoned by family through purpose and accident. One fateful summer, however, as Jane was finding work as a security guard at the local park, Lt. Bites had been playing with some squirrels they had happened across.
One of the animals was rather aggressive toward the raccoon though, and had played extra hard with the little fellow. Lieutenant Bites squealed in pain after the third bought of wrestling with the squirrel and Jane decided that had to have been enough horseplay. Soon after, Lieutenant Bites became ill and irritable. Panic-stricken, Jane took him to the wildlife sanctuary where the vet on duty examined the poor raccoon. The animal was deemed rabid and was put down.
In a fit of despair, he had the animal stuffed, and wore him on his suit at all times. The crazy little biter was Jane’s only friend. Jane sniffed again, this time swallowing thickly around tears he refused to let go. What kind of man weeps over the past? He stiffened his spine and sat up straighter. “Engie?” he said, looking over to the easy chair. The Engineer was fast asleep. His head rolled back on his neck and a soft snore escaped his lips. Jane stood up quietly, gazed at the man respite in his chair for a minute or two, and slipped out the door silently, into the rainy night.