Chapter Text
Boston, MA - Sunday - December 31, 2017
Shane pushed through his front door, closing it against the arctic chill behind him. The thermometer on his front stoop read -20 degrees F and tears from the wind had frozen on his eyelashes as he walked home from the train station. His cheeks were flushed under the freckles scattered across his nose and under his eyes. He shivered as he traded his boots for slippers and hung his coat on the rack by his door. He rubbed his hands together, willing them to thaw out so he could use them to make himself some tea. Shane opened his messages and texted Hayden:
Shane: Hey man, I’m home safe. Now, to try and thaw out. What the fuck is up with this arctic chill man? It’s not looking like it’s gonna let up any time soon!
Hayden: Glad you made it back ok. I don’t know dude, you tell me, you’re the weather guy!
Hayden: Jackie said you forgot your food here, I’ll put it in the freezer and bring it to work for you. Thanks for hanging out with us today for early New Year’s Eve; the kids love their Uncle Shane!
Shane: Yeah man, I love your kids. They're fun - You guys are family, where else would I be?
Hayden: I mean, maybe if you let Jackie set you up with someone you’d have actual New Years plans 😏
Shane: Hayd! 🙄
Hayden: I just…you deserve to be happy man, that’s all I mean.
Shane: I know, thanks. Don’t party too wild tonight 🥳
Hayden: Too late, Jackie popped the Martinelli’s five minutes ago and the twins are already two glasses deep! See you tomorrow!
Hayden: [photo attached: picture of the Twins in oversized, glittery 2018 glasses, Tiaras, and holding plastic champagne glasses with sparkling apple juice]
Shane: “Shane loved an image”
Shane smiled softly remembering the way the Pike twins had ganged up against him in a snowball fight earlier; they were unmatched when they worked together on a mission! He loved hanging out with them and felt a pang of something dangerously close to wanting when he thought about how it felt when baby Amber relaxed into him as she drifted off to sleep on his chest this afternoon.
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If he was honest with himself, which he was trying to be as much as possible, he really did want what Hayden had, an amazing partner, kids, the whole deal. It wouldn’t be as easy for him as it was for Hayden, he knew that now. He winced a little thinking about how hard he tried, for so many years, to ignore that part of himself completely and when he couldn’t do that, he thought he could convince himself he really could be straight if he just worked hard enough at it. He worked hard for everything he had in life so this would be no different, right? Yet no matter how hard he worked on this part of his identity, he came face to face with the reality of who he is five years ago.
One November evening Hayden had dragged him out to a launch party for Jackie’s chef friend JJ who was opening a Haitian fusion restaurant. Shane didn’t usually go out but every once in a while he let Hayden convince him, even if only to get him off his back for a few months.
When he got to the place and found Hayden and Jackie, they gushed about how the cast of X-Squad was there, “You’re both nerds” Shane had told them affectionately and shook his head walking to the bar. He returned to their table and joined the conversation. Or rather, he sat there and laughed when people told jokes and mostly just tried to listen against all the noise of the place. When he noticed his skin feeling too tight and his brain starting to feel far away, he walked to the restroom - partly for the walk and partly to run his hands under cold water in an attempt to regulate and quiet all the buzzing. On the way back he found an empty booth to sit and ground himself for a moment inside all of the noise and people.
“Did you come to help me with these fries?” a voice startled Shane. Heat flooded his cheeks; he was mortified the booth was not actually empty, “Oh, my god, I’m sorry, I’ll–” he said anxiously forcing himself to look up.
“No, please stay. The fries are amazing and I really could use the help eating them. I’m Rose.” she stuck her hand out.
Shane took it saying, “I know who you are.”
“Would it surprise you that I know who you are?” Rose asked, a spark in her eye.
“You do? How?” Shane asked, his face growing hot again.
“My dad is kind of obsessed with your Instagram, he is a weather hobbyist of sorts. Whenever there is any kind of weather event where I’m on location, he’ll send me your videos on how to prepare and stay safe. It’s adorable actually and I love him for it.” She beamed affectionately.
“Wow that's…that’s really wild, yeah, no that’s cool. Thanks for telling me about him.” Shane had relaxed into the conversation in a way he never really had with other women before. He felt excited about a person, a woman, for the first time in a long time.
Before the end of the night, they had exchanged numbers and made plans for coffee later that week. In the end, things with Rose did not go the way Shane had anticipated. They had amazing conversations, they laughed together, and Rose was so easy to talk to, their chemistry felt incredible. Until it wasn’t. It turns out their chemistry was in friendship only and as far as romantic or physical attraction went, they just weren’t…compatible.
One evening over dinner, Rose had gently brought it up with Shane. She was so kind and gracious he couldn’t even be hurt about it. In fact, it was that conversation that helped him to acknowledge a truth about himself he had long been trying to deny: Shane was gay. Not a little. Not partly. He was really, truly, all the way, gay.
That night, they swore to be best friends. That part of their relationship was real and worth keeping. And so they texted constantly sharing the story of their lives with each other, slowly becoming found family to one another. Shane shared his blog with Rose to send to her dad who would occasionally message Shane on Instagram about his videos. He loved Rose deeply for her friendship and for the way she helped him to finally meet his true self.
Soon after, he came out to his parents who were immediately supportive with Yuna going full speed ahead into matchmaking mode. Then he shared with Hayden and Jackie who embraced him without question and Jackie squealed to FINALLY be able to introduce her friend James to someone of quality and substance. Shane rolled his eyes but secretly loved how much they were in his corner wanting only the best for him. Shane knew he had it really good the way his family–chosen and genetic–saw him and loved him, it was so much more than most people got to experience and he tried never to take that for granted (even if they could be a little too enthusiastic about trying to find him a date).
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During a recent FaceTime with Rose while they were both doing chores around their respective homes, they were talking about what they were looking forward to in the new year, about their hopes and their goals. Rose asked if maybe he was ready to try dating again, this time as himself. There was never any bitterness from her about their attempt at dating, her question was pure curiosity and care since she knew how much he did hope to find a partner and build a family together. He had been thinking about her question ever since.
It would be the first time that the thought of himself dating as a gay man didn’t completely terrify him. He had his therapist to thank for that. He didn’t really count the failed attempts at dating when he first became aware of his gayness, he didn’t want to remember them either. He had wanted to give himself room to explore his sexuality for science, he had joked with himself and so he signed up for various dating apps. He was immediately swept up in the swift current of a new culture he had no experience with and found himself overwhelmed.
He met men, hooked up with some of them and most of the sex was definitely better than any attempts he had made with women previously. But he learned about himself that he isn’t good at or interested in casual sex and a big part of that was connected to his experience as an autistic man though he didn’t have that word for his experience, yet, it would come later.
What he did know is that he moved through the world feeling like his nerve endings were constantly exposed reading every molecule of data in the air and sound and textures and sights and bodies around him. His senses processed enormous volumes of data and as a result, Shane felt everything to such a profound degree existing was often overwhelming. This is why it was so hard for him to maintain eye contact, because of the intensity with which he was seeing someone and simultaneously being seen by them, it was all too much. That was at the most boring moments of life. That plus an orgasm was often too much for his body and brain to process and they went into shut down. An incredibly vulnerable experience with even the most understanding of partners but with guys he just met for casual sex, the exposure was too much and left him reeling in a disoriented fog for days after.
He’d try to explain but even that was difficult and awkward and he found that more often than not, the men he met didn’t have the patience to deal with his shit - their words - and often assumed he was having a homophobic panic attack.
There were also times he’d meet up with a man only to realize too late that he was the target of racialized fetishization because he was queer and Asian often sought out for looking younger than his age or because he was “exotic” looking. A shudder ran through Shane as he recalled some of the more cruel encounters with men who, in their own homophobia, would emasculate and feminize him which really fucked with his own sense of gender identity for a while. He felt lost and confused about how to understand himself as a biracial queer man, and when he didn’t know how to hold all the complexities of his identity, he internalized others’ disgust. It was a dark time for him.
While they didn’t do it in any traditional sense of the word, his chosen family held a kind of intervention for him, each of them reaching out to him letting him know how concerned they were. He had stopped responding to their calls, stopped going over to Hayden and Jackie’s house, he even took a leave of absence from his doctoral program. Their consistent kindness and honesty gave him the nudge he needed to start seeing a therapist, to begin finding his way out of the despair, shame, and self-loathing that had pinned him down.
Shane was amazed to have found a telehealth therapist who was a queer, Japanese-American man. He knew there were so many parts of his identity that had been battered and bruised by years of racism, homophobia, and toxic masculinity–well, he didn’t know all of that yet, but he felt the effects of all of that and knew he needed to talk with someone who had more than a textbook awareness of such experiences. As they worked together, he began to learn the language of his experiences including being introduced to the fact that he was autistic.
At first he was incredulous and joked, “but I don’t even like trains,” when his therapist brought up the notion to explore. His therapist shared with him about the ways in which diagnostic profiles excluded how things like autism shows up in queer Asian men, how the criteria is based on a standard of how white men present and so everyone else falls through the cracks. The more his therapist explained about the neurobiology of autism, which Shane totally loved and went on many deep dives studying because he was a science guy, the more he saw himself in the reflection his therapist held up for him.
He had some hard conversations with his parents about it, supported by his therapist. Hard not because he blamed them for not knowing, nobody really spoke much about autism when he was a kid but because there is a particular grief that comes with only learning well into adulthood a significant truth about yourself. Yuna and David Hollander had been Shane’s biggest allies and supporters from day one. They felt wrecked that while they understood Shane experienced the world differently, they didn’t know why or how to support him in some of the ways he had needed. It was an emotional time of conversations and they all came through the other side with deeper love and respect for one another.
Going to therapy has been some of the most difficult and grueling work Shane has ever done, and he played hockey for 15 years. For the first time in his life, he felt like his brain and body were starting to make sense to him, and all the ways he had felt weird or wrong or broken slowly began to heal.
Today, on the eve of a new year, Shane revisited what it might be like to open himself up to try dating again, this time with a solid sense of who he is, and, who he isn’t. The thought terrified him and excited him. Most of the time, he didn’t mind the solitude, in fact he preferred it to the wrong company. Still, there was a part of him that he could not get rid of, the part of him that truly did long for a partner, someone to build a life and a family with.
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Last spring Jackie tentatively broached the subject of setting Shane up again. One of her co-workers, Felix, had signed them up for this ceramics class at a studio near where the Pikes lived and Jackie decided this could be the perfect, low demand way for Shane to dip his toe back in the dating pool. She knew he did better when there was a shared activity to connect over rather than doing some unstructured social thing. Shane took a deep breath and decided, “what the hell” he didn’t really have anything to lose. And besides, a pottery class in the day time seemed pretty innocuous.
They went on a few dates and had fun. The sex was fine but Felix was ultimately not long-term partner material for Shane. They parted on friendly terms and Felix faded into the background organically. He wouldn’t admit it to Jackie, but Shane was more relieved than upset when it was over though he was proud of himself for trying.
His brief something with Felix gave him a renewed interest in dating and so he made another attempt at using a dating app. He figured that since he was not the same man he had been five years ago, he knew himself and worked through a bunch of stuff, maybe he’d be able to have a better experience this time around. There were some ok dates but they never really progressed past making out and he realized that he missed sex. He wondered if casual sex would be different for him now. After one really awkward encounter and one deeply horrible experience, he confirmed that he was still not a casual hookup kind of guy at all, deleted the apps and had no interest in meeting anyone.
The love that did bloom that day was between Shane and pottery-making. He immediately signed up for a recurring pottery class with studio hours and it became one of his favorite things to do to unwind each week. The studio hours add-on meant that he could go there when he wanted to practice, to think, to design.
Shane thoroughly enjoyed the sensation of the cool clay in his hands as it spun on the wheel. He loved how the whole process felt deeply meditative and he marveled at taking a lump of something nondescript as clay and working it, molding it, firing it and glazing it turned it into something useful and attractive, like a mug or a soup bowl. He was surprised at how much strength it took to knead and throw clay on the wheel, centering it and keeping even pressure as his design took shape. He was used to pouring his strength into things like hockey and mixed martial arts which he had done for most of his life as a way to discipline his body and quiet his mind. This was another place he discovered he could accomplish that and Shane loved having a tangible object to show for all the work he put in.
A few weeks after the pottery class set-up, at Sunday brunch with the Pikes, Jackie teased Shane about how she tried to set him up on a date and he ended up with a new hobby. Hayden joked that maybe she would make a better hobby match-maker than a love match-maker. They all laughed and Jackie gave Shane’s hand a squeeze as she sipped her coffee out of her new favorite mug.
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Shane blinked rapidly several times and inhaled sharply when the whistling kettle pulled him out of his head into his kitchen. He seeped his tea and padded over to the wood stove to build a fire for the day. He appreciated having a wood stove to offset his oil bill, especially on days like this. He didn’t love having an oil furnace and wished he could afford to buy a little place of his own where he could install a more sustainable heating and cooling system, among other things, in his home. One day, he sighed to himself as he grabbed his book and curled up with his tea in his favorite chair by the fire.
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Outside his window, the light was starting to turn that shade of winter evening blue and Shane realized he had gotten distracted from his book again thinking about one day, about the things he’d like to gather in that little home he dreamed of building, or rather, the people. He drifted back to his earlier reverie about the life he wanted to build with a partner and kids someday. He loved the time he spent with the Pike Pack - he teased Hayden about having so many kids until Hayd told him after Amber was born he got a vasectomy, “A little late don’t you think” Shane quipped.
Meeting people was hard for him and socializing didn’t seem to come naturally for him. He did best when he connected with people organically but that was difficult to orchestrate and much of his job was rather solitary. It had also worked out pretty well for him when a new friend came as a set with someone he was already friends with like how Jackie came with Hayden. It was funny to think that Jackie was a stranger once, now she’s basically a sister to Shane and he wouldn’t have it any other way.
Admittedly, he had also been heavily focused on his education once he returned to his doctoral program, then once he graduated, he needed a work-training placement so he could extend his visa. While he didn’t love many aspects of the role, it gave him the opportunity to get practical experience while he figured out his next steps and where he wanted to end up geographically. Being a field meteorologist was exciting to be sure and stressful due to the inconsistent and spontaneous nature of the job. He liked connecting with the community and helping people prepare for various weather situations.
Shane truly cared about helping people, which is why when Hayden recently invited him, Shane joined him on the Disaster Emergency Response Team (DERT). While Hayden became part of the Search and Rescue (SAR) Team, Shane gravitated toward Incident Command putting his knowledge to use analyzing weather systems, forecasting storm paths, and strategizing an organized response. His brain got all buzzy, in the good way, when he locked in on a crisis. He was good at this, steady, calm, grounded. It’s one of the reasons the Incident Chief loved working with him, he didn’t lose his head in those moments that mattered most.
Shane was level-headed when he could tackle a situation like this, pouring over all the data, having all the information at his fingertips. He was not so calm if he was called out on the front lines doing search and rescue or flood control. Those things were harder for him and just thinking about it twisted his insides and reminded him of a deeper dormant dread. He managed it. Mostly. He hadn’t had an episode in a long time and as long as he could control his role and stay ready and prepared, he didn’t panic.
Sometimes it felt so overwhelming to think about how to even find someone who shared his interests as he lived the kind of life that his work, his passion for climate justice, and his personal life were all tightly woven together. In his experience, there weren’t a whole lot of people just looking to sign up for all of that. Sometimes he wished he was a little more “normal” like other people who just went to work and came home and had a life outside or separate from work. But he had never been able to do that because for him, his whole experience of being human was an embodiment of the interconnectedness of things and he couldn’t compartmentalize that.
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Shane shivered and surprised himself awake not having realized he fell asleep while daydreaming. He stretched and got up to tend the fire and add some more wood as the room had gotten chilly since he fell asleep. He heard his belly grumble and all at once he wished he hadn’t left the box of leftovers Jackie had fixed for him at their house because he really didn’t feel like cooking for himself. It’s not that he didn’t like cooking, he actually loved it and had a great time working in the kitchen with Jackie as they made their annual New Years Eve meal together, gliding around each other in a graceful kind of culinary choreography that Hayden always marveled at whenever he came in to steal a taste of something before diving back into the fray wrangling the kids out of the kitchen.
Shane didn’t have as much fun cooking for himself as he did when cooking with and for others. He knew it didn’t make any scientific sense, but he was convinced nothing tasted quite as good when meal prepping for one. He found a tub of soup he had stashed in his freezer and put it in a pot on a low flame to slowly thaw and heat up. Luckily he also had a decent chunk of a crusty loaf of bread from the bakery down the street that he could bring back to life in the toaster.
While his food was heating he scrolled through YouTube to see what his favorite meteorologists were saying about this arctic blast they were experiencing and what was yet to come. They weren’t saying anything he didn’t already know himself. He switched over to Instagram and scrolled his feed when, Ugh, this fucking guy! Shane scoffed as a “Suggested for you” video of the notorious Russian bad boy storm chaser Ilya Rozanov popped up next. Shane rolled his eyes and made annoyed noises while he watched the video and it wasn’t until the next video scrolled up that he realized he had watched the whole video.
It was obnoxious, like all Rozanov’s videos. This one was from a few months ago during an offshore hurricane. And of course his video was set to the song, Rock you like a Hurricane by Scorpions and was full of flashy edits, cutting between clips of him explaining wind fetch and various clips of the massive waves crashing against the seawall in Scituate, water churning brown from pummeling the shore, sea water pouring over into the streets, and one shot of some boats being swept under a bridge–he held the mic over the side of the bridge to capture the crackle and crunch of their masts folding and shattering as the water pushed them under the bridge. He looked exhilarated as he spoke to his audience in his ridiculous Russian accent. What a poser! I bet he just Googled random storm words to sound smart. Shane grumbled to himself.
He smashed his thumb onto the share button sending the link to Hayden.
Shane: Ugh, can you believe this guy!?! He’s so full of himself!
Hayden: Shane
Shane: Hayden
Hayden: I love you man but you have got to stop hate-watching this guy.
How many years have you been doing this when all he does is spike your blood pressure? That can’t be good for your health. Why does he get under your skin so bad?
Shane started typing. Then stopped. Then started again. He didn’t like what he saw in the mirror that Hayden was holding up to him and he definitely didn’t want to examine it.
Shane: I don’t know, it’s like he’s mocking me with his cheesy videos.
He doesn’t even care about what’s happening to the planet, it’s all an act for him.
Ugh!
Whatever, good night!
Hayden: Ok buddy, get some rest.
He threw his phone down angrily and went to check on his soup on the stove. In his agitation he knocked the wooden spoon he had been stirring the soup with, out of the pot flinging pureed roasted butternut squash in a thick orange splatter across his cupboard. Jesus Christ! He shouted at himself, more out of surprise than anything. He huffed and got a cloth to wipe down the mess and wash off the spoon. The soup still needed some time but the savory fragrance was filling his kitchen and making his stomach growl even more.
Back in his favorite chair he opened his phone and to his horror, another video from Rozanov scrolled up to fill his screen. This time a short from his YouTube channel, “What the Hail?!” God, he’s so fucking arrogant! As if anyone takes you seriously dude! Shane continued watching as he fumed to the empty room.
This video was from the dashcam while driving. Shane could hear Rozanov’s voice narrating:
“We’re in full white out conditions people, I can hardly see in front of my truck! Stuck vehicles are lining the interstate including a number of 18-wheelers. Oh **** someone just slid by in front of me, wow, that was close call! Highway crews are digging cars out of the snow banks, it is really wild out here people!”
The video ended with a clip of Rozanov telling his audience where to subscribe and follow him to find out, “What the Hail is going on with the weather” signing off with his cheeky wink and smirk.
At least that one didn’t have any music, Shane thought to himself.
He would never admit it, but he could not turn away from this face that was clearly used to working the camera and charming his audience. Shane didn’t see what the big deal was about this guy, it’s not like people couldn’t get that information from their local weather reports on the news, or by looking out the fucking window! It’s not like this was anything wild or uncommon - it was Boston in January, of course we’re gonna get snow.
Shane swiped over to his page to check his own analytics. He had begrudgingly started his own professional Instagram page several years ago when he was freelancing meteorology before getting picked up by Storm Team 5 at WCVB-TV. Rose had encouraged him to do it and she helped him get started. Admittedly, he did enjoy making weather interesting and accessible to the general public and was proud of the way he had built his following.
He might not be a viral sensation like Rozanov, but he was passionate about the science of it and about getting information into the hands of people so they could prepare and be safe. There was so much happening with the climate crisis and most people just ignored it. If he could inspire even one person to pay attention and make adjustments to live more sustainably, then maybe his effort was worthwhile.
Shane left his phone on the chair and went into the kitchen. He poured the hot soup into his favorite ceramic bowl, the first one of its kind that he ever made, grabbed a cold ginger ale, and sat at the small bar height table in his kitchen where he ate.